I have always been a patient listener. I think it’s one of the things I have always been proud of. Therefore, I have tonnes of people who approach me for advice or at least just to be a sounding board for them. In most parts, I am happy to do so. I may not always say things they want to hear but I at least tell them what’s actually on my mind. Having said that I am honest, I must confess, I am not brutally honest. Obviously there are times when I have wanted to say stuff like STFU, You are an idiot, Stop whining and move on but believe it or not, I haven’t! Over the years, I have had more conversations like these than I care about and finally, here is a collection of what the conversation was and my true response to them. If you find a conversation you have had with me on this list, well, I guess I should say I’m sorry, but maybe I’m not so sorry after all.
The Damsel in distress: “Oh my god! I love him… but it’s obvious, he’s just playing with my emotions, he doesn’t really care!”
What I hear – I need pity and sympathy and I need it now!
What I want to say – “Yes! He is playing. Yes, he doesn’t care. But you are going to obsess about this guy for the next 100 years (atleast thats how long it feels it is) and are going to keep coming back to me to comfort u. FML”
The Perennial Majnu: “So I finally told this girl on a different continent that I love her and she says she likes me too. I’m so glad”
What I hear – here, take this axe hammer and strike me with it
What I want to say – “oh you are?? That’s great! So what’s happening now? Are you guys going be together? No? Right! Oh well, congratulations then! You have now gone from “I’m – so – miserable – because - I - don’t - know - how – she - feels” to “I’m - so - miserable - because - I - know - how - she - feels - and - we – can’t - be - together”. I’m glad this is working out for you. No, seriously. Happy - fucking – miserable - realisation to you.
The Bewda dost: “Man I am so drunk. And u r so
What I hear - you are the only girl around and when I am drunk I am very affectionate. I also will hit on anything that moves because I’m smooth like that.
What I want to say - if I agree, whether or not I believe you, will it stop you from fucking my brains further?
The forever bechara: “… and then she just turned around and said no. I’m so heartbroken”
What I hear – Sympathy! Now! Also, bitch about her please.
What I want to say – she said whatttt?!!? You mean after she cried all day long to you about her ex, then went out on dates with this other guy who you warned her was an asshole, then cried about the second guy to you and made you take her out for expensive dinners and movies, she said she wasn’t interested in you. I totally didn’t see that one coming. Also, grow a pair.
The buddy boy: “You are like one of the guys”
What I hear – You are a boy
What I want to say – you see these pair in front? No I’m not a dude. I may have more balls than half the men you know, but I am not a guy.
The diplomatic bitch: “you’re sweet”
What I hear – I wish the earth would split n gobble u up.
What I want to say – You are really sweet too
The drunken bitch: “you are so cool… I like how you are so bindaas. You have inspired me (all this in a drunken slur).
What I Hear - In my sober state I think you are a slut who is an attention seeker and I hate that you can talk more to the guy I have the hots for than I can. Burn in hell, bitch. I am never going to want be like u.
What I want to say – You can try, par yeh unique piece hai! :D
I wish half of these incidents were made up. But believe me; u can’t make this shit up. No way.
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