Random rant II

I have always been a patient listener. I think it’s one of the things I have always been proud of. Therefore, I have tonnes of people who approach me for advice or at least just to be a sounding board for them. In most parts, I am happy to do so. I may not always say things they want to hear but I at least tell them what’s actually on my mind. Having said that I am honest, I must confess, I am not brutally honest. Obviously there are times when I have wanted to say stuff like STFU, You are an idiot, Stop whining and move on but believe it or not, I haven’t! Over the years, I have had more conversations like these than I care about and finally, here is a collection of what the conversation was and my true response to them. If you find a conversation you have had with me on this list, well, I guess I should say I’m sorry, but maybe I’m not so sorry after all.

The Damsel in distress: “Oh my god! I love him… but it’s obvious, he’s just playing with my emotions, he doesn’t really care!”

What I hear – I need pity and sympathy and I need it now!

What I want to say – “Yes! He is playing. Yes, he doesn’t care. But you are going to obsess about this guy for the next 100 years (atleast thats how long it feels it is) and are going to keep coming back to me to comfort u. FML”

The Perennial Majnu: “So I finally told this girl on a different continent that I love her and she says she likes me too. I’m so glad”

What I hear – here, take this axe hammer and strike me with it

What I want to say – “oh you are?? That’s great! So what’s happening now? Are you guys going be together? No? Right! Oh well, congratulations then! You have now gone from “I’m – so – miserable – because - I - don’t - know - how – she - feels” to “I’m - so - miserable - because - I - know - how - she - feels - and - we – can’t - be - together”. I’m glad this is working out for you. No, seriously. Happy - fucking – miserable - realisation to you.

The Bewda dost: “Man I am so drunk. And u r so ”

What I hear - you are the only girl around and when I am drunk I am very affectionate. I also will hit on anything that moves because I’m smooth like that.

What I want to say - if I agree, whether or not I believe you, will it stop you from fucking my brains further?

The forever bechara: “… and then she just turned around and said no. I’m so heartbroken”

What I hear – Sympathy! Now! Also, bitch about her please.

What I want to say – she said whatttt?!!? You mean after she cried all day long to you about her ex, then went out on dates with this other guy who you warned her was an asshole, then cried about the second guy to you and made you take her out for expensive dinners and movies, she said she wasn’t interested in you. I totally didn’t see that one coming. Also, grow a pair.

The buddy boy: “You are like one of the guys”

What I hear – You are a boy

What I want to say – you see these pair in front? No I’m not a dude. I may have more balls than half the men you know, but I am not a guy.

The diplomatic bitch: “you’re sweet”

What I hear – I wish the earth would split n gobble u up.

What I want to say – You are really sweet too

The drunken bitch: “you are so cool… I like how you are so bindaas. You have inspired me (all this in a drunken slur).

What I Hear - In my sober state I think you are a slut who is an attention seeker and I hate that you can talk more to the guy I have the hots for than I can. Burn in hell, bitch. I am never going to want be like u.

What I want to say – You can try, par yeh unique piece hai! :D

I wish half of these incidents were made up. But believe me; u can’t make this shit up. No way.

25 things I learnt in Uni

No, this isn’t going to be about how 2 years away from home changed me/ made me a better person/ more focussed person, no, none of that. This is what the classrooms didn’t teach me

1. Dont mix drinks OR drinks and anything that you can smoke.

2. Waking up and feeling like crap is perfectly legit. All those who disagree, try 7 or more shots of vodka.

3. “Is that sound inside or outside my head” is a perfectly acceptable question after a night out.

4. Kebabs are your best friend after a night out.

5. Cereal at any time of the day is a legit meal. Even at 4 pm!

6. Don’t congratulate yourself on your aim, it’s not target practice if you are throwing up in the toilet. Even though it may seem so at that point in time.

7. It is completely possible to sit in front of your laptop the whole day and stream one series after the other. There’s so much to watch, it’s not even a challenge.

8. Putting oil, haldi (turmeric), mirchi (red chilli powder), dhania (coriander powder) and garam masala in anything makes it yum – doesn’t make u a world class chef.

9. It is possible to make an entire meal in the oven – frozen food FTW!

10. Putting lemonade in cheap ass wine does make it drink-able. It doesn’t make it a Cabernet Sauvignon but at least it stops tasting like vinegar.

11. Reading your drunk-texts in the morning will embarrass you. Without an exception.

12. There should be a code or a law against reminding drunk people the next day about what they did or said. Seriously, it’s lame.

13. During exams, cooking, cleaning, scrubbing your bathroom for hours, taking a walk, laundry, checking FB for every single update, chatting, checking ur mails, listening to every annoying person cry about their problems are not methods of procrastination. They are important stress busters.

14. We (Indians) genuinely have no concept of time – being late is our thing. So is being curious and gossiping about everyone else’s life.

15. It is possible to get absolutely wasted before the sun even sets. It is normal to be so before sunrise.

16. As a student, it’s your birth right to pick up stuff on offer. You know the kinds that say 3 for 1, even if it means you just spent 70p more than required. “It was on offer”. Enough said.

17. The window between spotting a person and smiling at them without looking like a creep is VERY small. So is the time frame for ” hug or not to hug” decision.

18. It is perfectly normal to cut out the fungus-ed area from your cheese and use it like it’s as good as new.

19. stalking people on FB is legal

20. never wake up people who have passed out, no matter where they are. NEVER.

21. Everything and anything can be bought at primark. All those who just cringed at this – this is why we didn’t hang out, you snob!

22. It is completely normal to travel from Manchester to any place by bus – even if it takes 2 hrs extra if its cheaper.

23. Indians talk the most abt other Indians. Thats what makes us happy – pointing at fellow Indians and going – shameless retards. Tbh, Indians are the ones that give you most reasons to be embarrassed anyway. :|

24. Never underestimate – 1 a drunk person’s hunger, 2 ability of drunk people to fit in small places and 3 size of a bed – invariably the smallest of them can fit two ppl – try head to toe!

25. The hardest decision you will make is to leave. It sucks. You will get used to it back home but your life will never be the same. People you like, people you don’t, people who like you and people who don’t will all form an important part of who you will be at the end of the year. Appreciate it.

Chapters Less Thumbed...

I guess our past never does leave us. It has this uncanny knack of sneaking up on us, smacking us right in the face when we least expect it, in ways we never thought. Our life is a story book, an amalgamation of chapters we put together - the good, the bad and the very ugly. Just because we choose to skip over a chapter doesn't mean it isn't there. It's there, maybe not as well thumbed as the recent ones, but it's there and every once in a while, our mind revisits these chapters so that we can be thankful for what we had and appreciate what we currently have.