And then there was work...

When I finished my masters I felt on top of this world. I couldn’t wait to step out into the big bad world and start working. I had all my "tools" - specs that made me look cool-ly geeky, formals, Indian clothes to assert the readiness of being a big working girl now and a handbag that fit everything in it – tiffin box, books et al. You get the point.

I think what a fresh graduate needs most is what I didn’t have. What is that you ask? A handbook that tells them how utterly jobless they are going to be for the next 3 months, AT LEAST. When I joined I told my family and friends that I would dedicate my weekends to them if I could get over how tired I was going to be through the week. As luck would have it, my friends didn’t see me through the week, not because I was buried under heaps of work but because I had to travel a minimum of 4 hours every day to get to my work place. I obviously started taking time out for friends and family over the weekend but tired I was. For all those smirking right now - travel 4 hours by a school bus and we'll talk. I swear I kid you not but I’m sure I’m developing a back problem because the bus seats are like brick. And all those who are very excited at the prospect of wearing formals, don’t be. The heels will kill you. So will the ac in office.

Over the last two months in my spanking new office I’ve gotten loads of new stuff - new clothes, new shoes, new pan card, new debit card and god knows how exciting all of it has been but the one new thing I was excited about most, I have got not - work! I very religiously sit in office for my stipulated 8 hours, tapping away at my keyboard, hoping for a new mail to arrive. As it goes, freshers don’t even get spam!

Finally after 2 months into my uselessness which I tried making use of by taking up umpteen trainings, I was called in to meet one of the people I was to work with, to discuss "work". I have always been ridiculously proud of myself on being really dedicated to everything I do, after all, when work is so difficult to come by, you’ve got to make sure you give it your all. So I went and met her with my notepad and pen. As she described what was required of me, I gazed at her incredulously. You are kidding right??? You didn’t just call me for a meeting for this, did you? Clearly, reading my expressions not one of her strong points! Anyway, she painstakingly went through all the steps my "work" would require off me as I stood and listened to her explain. At the end of it, she very sweetly asked me if I understood. Still dazed, I nodded yes. I was sure, even though it had been four months since my academic life, I hadn’t forgotten everything. I got back to my desk and got to work. Man, did I feel responsible. The future of CG lay on my delicate albeit strong shoulders. I mean for all those who think I am being over dramatic you just don’t understand the importance of deleting columns from a table. If you disagree I would like you to come hear her explain each and every step of the process. I mean after all I must have "GRADE 1 IDIOT" written on my forehead for her to be so specific, after all, what other use could the "delete" button possibly have?!

Random Rant Part I

It’s funny how some people can just piss you off. Not because they spoke to you or even did something to you. No sir! It’s because they exist. Most times I have something to say to these people which I don’t end up saying out loud lest people should think I am rude! So here are the general categories of people who piss me off and finally my reply to them-

The couple that has a kissing picture on FB as their profile picture – Awwww! That’s you and your boyfriend! I can see the appeal of displaying yourself swabbing his tonsils on a public forum. I’m sure this is exactly what people had in mind while they sang and danced to ‘Khullam khulla pyaar karenge hum dono’. Kissing on camera is so “hawt”! (yes I hate it when ppl spell hot as hawt or god as gawd! Fuctards!)

The people who see me after years and say, oh, you’ve gained weight – Really?!?!!? No shit man!!! Thanks for bringing it to my notice. You’d think I’d notice considering I’m the one having to fit into my clothes yea?

People with pictures from Kala Ghoda Festival as their profile pictures – you went to KGF because it was free and big news. Not like you understood any of the pictures or installations so stop being a pretentious fuck and take it off. You look fat anyway.

People in office with weird phone habits – Ok so I get it, Falguni Pathak makes your world come alive with colours, snacks and every other gujju stereotype there is, but having her croon every time your phone rings – LAME. In fact anyone with their ring tone as songs and ad jingles is lame. This is your office, your work place, show a little professionalism and at least for these 8 hours let it ring, like a normal phone and not some hand held disco dandiya stall. And I get that it’s an important call but who is stopping you from stepping out to take the call? Next time you scream around my cubicle (especially in your mother tongue) I’m hurling my choicest abuses at you. In hindi.

People who don’t seem to understand the difference between you’re and your and they’re, there and their – Buy a rapidex if you need to but next time you confuse their usage I’m going to start typing offensive innuendos with these words. Also, English nahi aati toh hindi mein baat karo.

The old uncle/ aunty in bldg who suddenly sees me and says, my my, someone needs the gym – my my, someone needs botox!

The people who leave lift doors open – oh no, don’t worry about it. I just added the trudge up 4 floors to my workout today. I totally understand why you missed it, not like our lift door has a recording of a nasal bitch screaming “please close the door” every minute. Oh no wait, it does.

People who seem so affected/ concerned/ surprised by the fact that I’m still single – if I wanted, I could get more action in a day than u get, in a week!

Sleazy old uncles staring in public places – yes, those are my boobs and I’m a girl. I am also probably as old as your daughter/ granddaughter you sick fuck.

And last but not the least,

People whose only purpose in life seems to be nudging me during weddings saying, you are next – yes I may well be, but unless you have tonnes of boys lined up for me, STFU.

Yes, this blog was utterly pointless, probably just a platform to rant on. But it’s my blog and I can, so I will. You can STFU as well.

To a very special someone. not.

They say you don’t miss your water till it’s gone. Reckon truer words were never spoken. Over the last 1 week in office, I have noticed very peculiar behaviour from a man who sits across my cubicle. If I may be immodest enough to say, I think I have just managed to acquire for myself, a creep! This man I talk about has a routine that I am fast becoming aware of. Every time I read the newspaper, he comes and asks me what’s “new”. Well, it is the newspaper, and it is supposed to report new stuff everyday but I render it prudent to reply with a constant smile and head shake “same old, same old”. He has also been exceptionally quick at adding me on IM and talking to me about his personal life. In 2 days that he has spoke to me about his sad pathetic life, he must’ve told me how “lonely” he is at least once every hour and that he has “no company” to explore Bombay at least every two hours. Smooth. Not.

This man, as he has been kind enough to tell me, has a wife and 2 kids. Now because I am such an amazing person and like to see the positive in everyone, I would like to believe he just wants to make frandship with me. However, the nagging bitch in my mind still asks why he isn’t out there making frandships with mards his age as opposed to ladki log! Anyway, sitting through his life and family history, I came into office today prepared to nip the conversation in its bud. No bhaiyya, I don’t want to know about your life, your food choices or how lonely you are. No. But dash it!! He wasn’t there today! Now initially, my heart soared at the possibility of not having to sit through his “BOARing” sermons (yes, that’s how he spells bore) about himself but as the hours passed I realized I was feeling boared! Very very boared! I think I didn’t even realize but he became an important part of my daily routine and now he was gone and I had no one to creep me out. You know how heart wrenching it is when you are sitting and reading the paper and someone doesn’t crawl up to you to ask you what’s new?? Sigh. Every time I saw his empty chair from across the cubicle my heart was saddened by how lonely I felt!

So this goes out to the creep in office, come back. Who knew, life without having you to give me fodder to bitch about would be so boring.

What should have been my Season's Greetings

There are a very few things am proud of, one of them being the fact that I have owned up to probably everything I have done in my life. Somehow, in my second year in Manchester, I realized nothing good could possibly come of pretending to be someone I was not. It was simple, I wasn’t a wild child but I loved my vices and I loved the scandals these vices brought with them.

I think one of the reasons why accepting these events was easy was that I had the most amazingly understanding friends. They all realized this was who I was and accepted and (some even) adored me for the way I lived life. It stopped being about my mere existence from one day to the other but about what more had life to offer (In no way should this statement be taken to imply encouragement of risqué lifestyle. That call is yours and yours alone). I had decided when I left Manchester I should be able to say ‘been there, done that’ without regrets.

Sadly, some regrets I cannot control. Apparently living your life the way you want brings with it difficult choices to be made. Have I been selfish? I would say yes! But then if I had to live my life the way someone else saw it, I wouldn’t be living my life now, would I? However, after living it up for two years I have come to the conclusion that at 23, my life as I know it had to undergo some changes.

The good thing about UK was that no one cared. Somehow, my business was just that, my business. In India however, that is never the case. Never before have I seen so much interest sparked in others by what I was doing. Being under scrutiny the whole day would send anyone into overdrive and I’m no different. It made me look at my life with a fresh perspective and I realized that I had now amassed more scandals in my life than “Rakhi ka Insaaf”. Probably now is a good time to start getting rid of the skeletons in my closet and to accept that my life in UK is a life I left behind a long time ago.

So this 31st when I begin my new year, my new year’s resolution is to remain scandal free in 2011. Anyone who witnessed my nye last time knows that when I say “begin my new year scandal free”, I mean the end of any and every complications. To all those who have been a part of my life and its exciting times, I guess this is the end of the road for us. It’s a new year, a new me and a spanking new clutter free life for me. Your stay in my life (in most cases) was appreciated but as of now I want you to leave,kthxbai! And to all my friends I love nonetheless, wish you a Merry X’mas and a Scandal – Free New Year, much love xx