self preservation vs. self destruction

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When I took Jonny’s text asking me if I was free, in the middle of my sleep, I didn’t think it was going to spark off a major debate in my head. Amongst all the gossip exchange and ranting that usually goes into our meetings, we started talking about behaviour that can be described as self destructive. I, you see, am a victim of the snow globe effect. What’s that you ask? Well every time the snow globe settles I feel the need to shake it up so that the ‘’snow’’ is unsettled again and unashamedly, I treat my life the same way. No no I’m not the depressed-with-life-and-hence-must-spice-it-up sort of person, god forbid. I’m more the lets-unsettle-things-only-to-see-if-I-can-make-them-fall-back-in-place sort of person. In short, I unsettle things, for fuck sake, just because I can. At times the behaviour has only led to some pained feelings and a lot of bad karma for me (and rarely but sometimes the want to give a couple of numb nuts a major ass whooping). And that’s where my self destruction comes in. I don’t do it with an intention to hurt but well what’s life without a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that? But through this all, I can’t help but have the scene from Love Actually play in my head where Mark tells Juliet that it’s a self preservation thing. Is it really?! Ever so often do we cross the fine line between preservation and destruction? When will it be ok to justify destruction as an act of preservation? And do we actually justify our destructive acts as preservation and find comfort in knowing that somewhere it might make sense... in some twisted little way? Am I just preserving my sanity by trying to prove that I don’t destruct things? But then again... when did I ever think I needed to have all the answers. For what its worth, the snow globe DOES look prettier with the ‘’snow’’ fluttering about than not... right?! *wink*