Imagine...

Imagine that moment. That exact moment when someone you would choose unequivocally, chooses you too. No bullshit, no doubts, no confusions. Just pure decision. Is that moment going to be everything you needed? What if it is delayed but came exactly when you needed it? Would that work? Could you heal your bruised heart and ego enough to truly appreciate what life’s giving you? 

Or do you stand back and ask yourself if the person you had chosen was right for you, they wouldn’t have to choose at all? That being with you couldn’t have been a choice, it would’ve had to be the only way forward. Or is that utopian? Almost, a fairytale like reality that social media and pop culture has made us believe exists? Are human decisions ever that simple or black and white? 

Shouldn’t they be, though? Shouldn’t the decision to be with someone be the easiest decision you make? Wouldn’t the peripheral complications you build up in your head, just be things you work through as a couple? At what point in your life does fighting for someone become a fight against the inevitable - something you know in your heart but refuse to accept because you actually believe in this version of your happy ending?

#DirtyThirtyExtravaganza

Every year, I write a birthday post, in which, I do a quick recap of my year. I talk about what the year looked like, what I would like to do better in the one coming up, what I would change, yada yada. Some sort of a stock taking - you know? This year, I got nothing. Quite simply, 'New decade, New Stories' is my mantra for now.

But, I will say this, I went to a Backstreet Boys concert with the best girlfriends in a gold sequins dress, and cried when they performed a row from me. If that isn't everything I needed from my big 3-0, then I don't know what is.

30, let's do this, I got plans for you.

Broken

I can't say when or why

I can't even tell you how

But in a fleeting moment I knew 

Maybe it was the resounding snap

Of a broken connection

Or the deafening silence

Of the words that weren't said

But I knew in that moment 

As an unfamiliar melancholy took over

It was the feeling I associated

With losing something 

I didn't even own

Almost

It's always an almost. The thought that keeps you up at night, and the conversation that leaves you restless. Mostly because that thumping heart needs validation. Someone to look at the plans you made and the lines you drew, and tell you, I see you. Nobody taught you how to mourn something that never was. And yet, here you are. Holding onto pieces of this made up life, sifting through them, finding clues in jagged edges and misfit jigsaw puzzles. I wish I could sandpaper down all the parts that prick, into beautiful moulding that you can show off. But I can't. So I will do you this instead. I will validate you. I will tell you that I see you and I mourn your loss.

To all the sparks that burnt bright and lost shine, and the ones that perished in the darkness of their being, I see you. For the tiny moment that you spread your wings and fluttered, you warmed my heart and uplifted my soul. I might look back on this tomorrow and not remember you for who you were but I will always remember you for how you made me feel. 

Skeletons

You couldn’t have known it was coming. There are no warning signs, and sure as hell, there is no way to preempt it. You aren’t sad, lonely or frustrated. It’s a regular Tuesday, you walk into office with a coffee in your hand and a spring in your steps. Except out of nowhere, a void shows up in your stomach. An empty feeling that whispers slowly in your ear about everything that went wrong, is going wrong and is about to go wrong. You shake your head and hope the feeling shakes off. Instead, all you do is shake up that cupboard in which you had stuck this skeleton. It comes rambling out, ungraceful and pathetic in its escape. Dragging with it every painful memory you believe you had left behind. Your failures and regrets show you how you constantly get things wrong, and your loneliness drives the point home. So you sit there, shaking internally, wishing for this to pass. Heads down, eyes locked to your monitor, you try and push your mind to work through the words your brain isn’t even comprehending. To the world, you are just busy. Maybe slightly agitated, slightly bothered, just stressed, maybe? Only you know that somewhere in the corner of your mind, the neatly placed Lego structure you call life, is crumbling. Some people will tell you it’s just sadness or premenstrual syndrome making you crazy. But you’ve been here before. You’re not sad, you’re disinterested. You’re not feeling low, you’re feeling nothing. It isn’t any feeling at all. It’s the exact opposite. It’s the lack of, that consumes you and expels you into the sort of nothingness that you think you deserve. 

Newly Single Girl’s Guide to Survival

While I am not newly single, I know people who are. I kept thinking what could I possibly tell them? And I guess, all I got is, it doesn’t matter if you broke up or he did, if it’s bothering you I think this could help. It helped me and I am only trying to spread the love

• Cry: Fergie famously sang, Big Girls Don’t Cry. By all definitions, I’m a big girl and you know what? Fuck that! Cry. Cry into the night, cry at sappy movies and cry because your aunt twice removed shared a video of something emotional on Facebook. Get it out of your system. Nobody ever said it was good idea to bottle up your issues, it sucks and you’re entitled to as many outbursts as you want
• Chocolates and/or ice cream: Nothing instantly lifts your mood like something sweet. So find your poison, find you passion and ‘treat yoself’! Don’t listen to people that say chocolates never solved anything. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life
• Girlfriends: Find your core group that doesn’t groan when you say, for the millionth time, “can you believe him?” or worse “I think we can be friends”. These are your rock solid cheerleaders that’ll make you feel like a million bucks when you have snot flowing out of your nose and Cheetos in your hair. These are also the people that will never gloat over how they “told you so”. They might bring it up much later over cocktails and a gigantic brunch but not when you don’t need to hear it
• Drunk dancing and/or karaoke: Grab your girls, grab some drinks and dance/sing the night away. Get out there with your ‘squad’ and have fun. And if in the middle of it you feel like having a cry, do that too. Just get out and socialize. It gets better
• Music: Listen to Divas, old and new, and listen to how powerful they know you can be. Channel it, believe it, live it. Also, these songs are so good for drunk karaoke, in your pajamas, eating ice cream
• Make up: I’m not particularly into clothes or shoes or bags so my go-to was make-up. In case those are your jam more than make up, buy those! For me, it led to so much make up! Only surpassed by the countless hours of beauty tutorials on YouTube. I bought that contour set and that red lipstick. Why not? I realized, albeit very late, that I needed to focus on myself and present myself in the glossiest of wrappings. Not because I wanted him to regret his decision. No, it was because I needed to remember that I wasn’t actually as dowdy as I usually left home looking like. Look beautiful, feel beautiful, be beautiful!
• Pajamas: For days when you don’t want to look, feel or be beautiful, find yourself the most comfortable set of pajamas. Preferably, ones that are sturdy enough to take 3 days of lying in bed and eating Cheetos at a stretch, should you so choose to do
• Ignore people: You know what the easiest thing to do is? Make lists for others to follow after the fact. Nobody but you should be able to tell you how to deal with whatever is happening in your life. So throw the lists and formulae out the window and do what you want. You want a revenge body? Channel your inner Khloe Kardashian. You want to walk around in pajamas, do it! I’ll send you pictures of me in pajamas at Walgreens to encourage you. Want to bitch, rant and moan without annoying people? Start a blog. Get that haircut, manicure the life out of your nails and don’t overthink that rebound. But for the sake of everything that you hold dear, identify the people who are there just to revel in how miserable you are, and cut them out. Those are the people not worth having in your life. Take the trash out and know you never needed me to tell you everything I just did. But if you did, I’m here!

Healing

She knew healing was tough
Between broken bones and torn ligaments
She had managed to mend it all
What she never had to mend
Was a broken heart
She looked for answers in all the wrong places
Between google pages and books on anatomy
But the prescription for sleepless nights and heartache
Would not be as simple as painkillers and rest
Of the three things that she'd need - time, patience, and the ability to forgive
She would never be able to do the last
If mercy was sold in stores
She would buy it in bulk
And tell herself everyday
I forgive you for the pain

2016, a recap!

This year has truly been one of extremes. Every emotion that I've felt, I've felt with all of my being. Sadness, anger, hope and happiness have found a way to weave themselves into all the stories I have to tell and also the ones I don't. I started my year surrounded by my cousin and his family, being told by my nephew that he loves me. 5 months later I saw myself moving into his house with all my bags and baggage. 8 months on, I find myself looking back on 2016 with the kind of contempt that I only reserve for Kale, and maybe beetroot. But to be fair, 2016 has been a teacher of epic proportions! So, Thank You 2016 for

•  Showing me just how much love I am capable of giving and receiving. It has been a humbling experience
• My increased focus on writing. This year might've been my most active writing-wise and one in which I ended up experimenting with more writing formats than I have up until now. It has been a rush to know I have at least one creative bone in my body, if I may say so myself
• Friendships that stood the test of time, and the ones that didn't
• Finally allowing me to feel settled. A new job, apartment, roommate and car later, I'm ready for 2017. Almost anyway!
• Renewed closeness with my cousins and extended family. I have depended heavily on them over the last 1 year and really tested our ties. Thankfully, we thrived
• Showing me the large army of family and friends that will rally behind and uplift me, should the need be
• Allowing me to learn how to forgive myself. Sure, I’ve had more than a few moments I wish I could go back in time and undo, but I’m no time traveler. All I can do, is hope that those I have hurt can forgive me just as I am learning to do so myself
• Showing me how to have a tad bit more grace in times when I would rather not. I’ve not had things served up to me on a platter but I’ve also never had to work with things going in the opposite direction. Hopefully, this would be the year when if things go wrong, I’d be able to accept them better
• Teaching me to be grateful and humble
• California!! I would’ve never moved here left on my own accord. But I did. And thank god for that. Weather, family, food and friends – what more could I want with life?

Rebuild

To her, the destruction looked like hope

Hope, that the new world she inhabits

Will be the one she builds herself

As she walks through the debris of her past

And starts looking at it piece by piece

Memories and nostalgia sweep over her

Smiles, giggles and a rush of love

She pockets these hastily

Sifting through the ones that hurt

She holds on to the one that hurts the most

The one that tears through her being with its jagged edge

For next time she is lost

She will let this piece impale her naivety

And draw blood from her mouth

Lest she forgets the pain that labored her perfect new world

Storm

If there ever was a storm waiting to blow over

It would be her

It isn’t because she carries within her

Destructive forces of a thousand seas

Or because what you thought was her calmness,

Is just the calm before a storm

No, it’s because when she finally lets go

She will bring with her hail, thunder and rain

She will use the might of the wind beneath her wings

To eliminate the very purpose of your presence, your need

And when she is finally done

She will show you both death and life

While she sheds the shroud of the person she became

Version of the person you so carefully created

She will rejoice the birth of the person she knows she could be

The woman that intimidated you, one that you thought she couldn’t be

If you're sappy and you know it

2 years ago, on this date, I came home from a 5 day long hospitalization. I had burst my appendix and it had been a harrowing experience. I was in a new country, surrounded by people I didn't know, dealing with a medical system I couldn't make head or tail of. To say the least, it was frustrating. I am not ashamed to accept the fact that I missed my mum and I needed her more than life itself.

Looking back, it was also the experience that defined my MBA experience. As I lay on the bathroom floor, unable to stand and writhing in agony, I called all my neighbors. Understandably, at 4 am, all of them were asleep. Taking a chance, I called my friend who lived in the building next to mine. 2 rings, hello? All I could manage was a guttural scream that was somehow meant to translate to 'Help!'. Miraculously she understood.

For the next five days, I was shown the kind of friendship that usually comes with familiarity. But there I was, surrounded by people I was only getting to know. Somehow, in those 5 days, I formed a bond with strangers in roles that they will continue to essay 2 years later (give or take a few people). I don't know if any of my friendships would've looked like this if it wasn't for me not realizing my appendix had burst, and so in some dark twisted way, I'm thankful.

But I'm more thankful for my crazies. I promise this is the limit of me being sappy but here goes:
Anisha, no one in this world is a better companion than you for checking out hot docs and I still appreciate the goody bag that let me cleanup for them pretty ones

Tanvi, I remember chewing your ears off about some saga or the other. Who knew, 2 years later, I would be doing the same. This time over khichadi though. You do make the best khichadi ever!

Sneha, thank you for taking my call at 4 am. And even more, for sitting at the hospital with me while they tried to figure out what went wrong

Puneet, you're going to be my fake boyfriend and favorite dance partner for life. Enough said!

Ani: For always being around! Didn’t matter if I was venting, just needed to feel safe, be a drunken mess, or most importantly, needed sushi. Chicago doesn’t absolve you. I’ll be around forever

And Preetha, you were nothing less than a mommy to me. From taking care of my timely medication to helping me go through daily ablutions, you were a rockstar! And I'm glad you've chosen to play that role consistently since then! You truly are my heart!

To the people who visited, I am also very thankful for your friendship. For the fact that you took time out of what really was a busy term, to come spend time with me, hold my hand as I fussed, and help me walk with my IV pole. Okay, maybe not the last one because I'm sure as hell that was more entertaining for you than it was for me.

If you're happy and you know it....

“…But, are you happy?”

It was during one of my daily catch up calls with my mother that she digressed from our standard script. She didn’t want to know what I ate, or what time I woke up and if I did my PT. It was one of those catch ups where my mother abruptly interrupted my tirade of irrelevant details with a simple question.

Thing is, I am a happy person. I, for the longest time, can’t remember not being able to look at a situation and pick something positive up from it to focus on. Even then, through my two years at Michigan, my mother has been the quickest at noticing even the slightest changes in my temperament. Be it stress, ill-health or just happiness, she’s been able to actually show me how I’m feeling, even before I have had a chance to face my own emotions. And so her question hit home, it felt, for the lack of a better word, loaded.

I was ashamed at how much importance I was giving such a simple question. I mean, she is my mother. She wasn’t trying to make me uncomfortable, she was just being my mother. So I did what I always do when stumped, I called up bae. As soon as I said the words, ‘… and then she asked me if I was happy’, her reaction was a simple ‘fuck’. Thing is, I didn’t even realize just how much she dreads the question too. It got me thinking, why were we so scared of accepting to ourselves, that we might indeed be happy? Or are we just unhappy people?

Would it be so bad if I accepted to myself that at this very minute, I am happy? I am finally looking forward and have left my past behind, exactly where it belonged. My two year old nephew’s concept of unbridled happiness was rubbing off on me, and dancing with him to random tunes and being showered with limitless love was showing me that no matter what, I was going to be okay. Life as I knew it, was pretty damn good. But would the fact that tomorrow might not be a day as good as today deter me? The fact that looking for a job 4 months after graduation is stressing me out, in effect make my assertion, that I am happy, a lie?

Truth be told, I don’t think I know how to deal with the dichotomy of my feelings. On one hand, I am more than grateful for friends and family that love and support me unconditionally, on the other, I am forever overwrought with this looming sense of failure. Or I guess what I am not saying is, I don’t know what being happy even means. I don’t know if my momentary happiness is good enough to qualify as me being happy or the fact that these are “moments” and not a stable state of existence, must mean I am unhappy. If I am indeed unhappy, what would make me happy? A kickass job, a stable relationship, a big ass house with a view or a swanky car? After I do have these, what guarantees me an eternal state of happiness? Because whom am I kidding, I know myself and I’m pretty sure I will constantly be seeking “more”. But most importantly, few things scare me more than the idea of being an unhappy person. So, as I continue this journey I believe I am on (and apparently, in control of), I would like to believe that ‘happy’ is my constant state of being, with questionable moments thrown in – exactly how I like my cake: sweet with a bitter chocolate glaze.

140 Character stories - Part 1

#Butterflies

This was the first one I wrote. It was a result of a conversation I was having with a friend. When a muse comes, you take it.

“Will I feel butterflies in my stomach again?” "No", he said. "What I haven't destroyed with my presence, I will crush with my absence"

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#Mirror

This was the second set of stories I wrote. You can submit 3 stories at a time with TTT and since I was trying to increase my writing stamina, it seemed like a good idea to do 3. Surprisingly, this wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined it to be. It was however darker than I had expected it to be

"Goodbye Ammi", she apologized to her mirror, as her wrist turned the basin red

Her hollow eyes looked for him in the mirror, trying to find herself. Goodbye unceremonious, he left her, a stranger to herself

Blowing a kiss in the mirror, she felt beautiful. She won’t let a ‘concerned’ neighbor tell all of curves that she wasn’t

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#Box

This was story set #3. Again, I had it quite easy with this one. Maybe it was the fact that I am living out of boxes right now or the fact that I feel so deeply about never being able to compartmentalize my life. Either ways, made for a fun writing project

House was full of boxes. Her life was in squares and his in circles. Love resided between mismatched corners.

As her husband called out her name, she snapped the lid shut tight. She could no more let memories of him out of the box.

Looking at her list she realized he didn’t check any of the boxes, except the one that said butterflies.

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#Colors

Writing set #4. This was tricky. My first story was about the Stanford Rape and the second one about domestic violence. I wasn’t sure if my writing was getting the message across but I did it anyway. My small contribution to a much larger debate. Third one was just me being cheesy

For the first time, behind the dumpster, she saw colors. His was red, drunk on power, while hers was beige, in fear

She painted their future with the 7 colors of the rainbow. She didn’t know the dominant color in her life would be the blue of her bruises

He watched her as she talked animatedly. For the first time he noticed the color of her eyes. They were blue with a speck of love

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#Hope

Writing set #5. Never have I struggled with writing as much as on this topic. The word had me stumped for a good two days and I think it is more than evident in my writing. Not happy with the end product but my brain currently refuses to process anything that I could attach to this word. Calling this one a bad day and accepting it as a writer’s block

“You knew you were vulnerable and he was bad news. Why would you give him all of you?” she asked angrily. “Hope” came the answer from within

“Tell me what you need?” “A smile, a hug, hope and a way to mend my heart”, she replied ruefully.

“Ma, what does hope feel like?” she the 6 year old looking at her father’s picture adorned with a garland. “A lot like your hug”

Birthday Blog

All those who know me, know that I've had, for the lack of a better word, a motherfucker of a year. So this year on my birthday, I’ve decided to make a few conscious decisions. After all, how long can I keep saying a year older, none the wiser? This is to getting wiser

• I will treat myself kindly. There are so many things I wouldn't let my friends say or do to themselves. I will show myself the same consideration
• I will cut out people who don't bring me happiness. Over the past year I've let a bunch of toxic people dictate my self worth. In all honesty, you don't deserve even 1% of the importance I've given you in my life. Really, goodbye
• I will forgive people who knew nothing of my battles and chose to judge me and/ or laugh at me. It wasn't their fault. To an outsider it must've seemed like erratic behavior. Do I wish people had a little more kindness in their heart to make place for other people’s battles? Yes, I do. But it doesn't mean I expect that at all. I know better than that
• I will forgive people who knew of my battles and chose to walk away. I think that's a spectacularly smart choice and not everyone can make that call. The fact that you could, I salute you. Should you expect me to be there for you if misfortunes befall? I wouldn't stake my life on it
• I will no more make excuses for people who knew of my battles and chose to cause me more unhappiness. If instead of support in this phase, your words and actions have caused me more pain, I'm done making excuses for your presence in my life. I must have to be a special cause of stupid to continue. Please check yourselves out of my life. Your stay was appreciated but you've overstayed your welcome now
• A lot of people stood by me at my lowest. They picked up the pieces after the hurricane destruction I brought with me and still chose to fight this out with me. They reminded me every day that I was loved and there was a reason I was fighting. For that, I will forever be indebted. You know who you are and, God forbid, if there ever is a cloudy day, I'll be there for you till the sun doesn't start dancing to our favorite songs
• Beginning with restoring my back to full functionality, I will give my health utmost importance. I haven't been a 100% in a long time. It's time to rebuild the pieces and bring to the world a better, more complete version of myself
•  Over the two years I have neither danced nor cooked as much as I would've liked. Dancing and cooking have always been my passion and I will pursue these with utmost honesty. I might've forgotten to prioritize them but I won't anymore
• But most of all, I promise myself happiness. There is enough fucked up bullshit happening around me and enough people bringing me down. I do not need to add to this list. No. I will choose me from now on, every single time, and do exactly what I want. If in doing so I hurt you, I'm sorry. I truly am. But I need me right now and that's how I'd like to play it

Disclaimer: Over the past couple days I have had people sound more concerned than they really need to be about this post. It was a bad year coupled with a back injury and a lot of my "battle" has come from that. I'm extremely touched by all the concern everyone has shown me but I am doing well, thank you! This was just my attempt to cut out the drama for my birthday

To my sister...

Hi baby,

Welcome to 4 years of your life that are going to transform you. As someone who has just graduated (from grad school albeit), I am writing this to you because I know your mind is racing at a mile a minute and if I was with you, this is exactly the conversation we'd be having.

I know this is scary for you. For the first time in 18 years you're going to leave the comfort and security of the nest that mamma papa have built for us and step into the "real world". New country, new city, new people. I won't lie, a lot of times you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone and take that first step towards getting to know people and making new friends. It won't be easy and I know you'll be self-conscious but remember everyone there is going through the same thing as you are. They have also left their homes and starting to discover life without their parents. Enjoy your differences and celebrate your similarities.

My hope for you is to be able to make friends with people across the board, irrespective of their nationalities, color, sex, religious and spiritual beliefs, and sexual preferences. You haven't till now been given a playing field this diverse and I hope you use it for the best. I also hope you find enough kindness to not be bogged down by labels of ‘cool’ and ‘popular’ while making friends and are brave enough to look past them (walk away, even) and make friends with people with kind, giving hearts who bring you joy. These are the people you'll fall back on and there is no greater comfort than knowing that people have your back, no matter what.

In the next four years I also expect you to fall in and out of love at least a couple times (maybe more?). My hope for you is to be able to able to go through the peaks with grace and the lows with serenity and patience. It might seem unfair at times and it will hurt (as first love usually does) but know that every single person you let into your life is there for a reason - because you let them in and no one, no one at all, can take that control away from you. Just as you have let them in, it is your prerogative when to show them out. Even then, never forget to be passionate and empathetic, and most of all, kind. These are people you cared about once in your life and they cared about you, don't make them feel like garbage. You're better than that.

I know you've embarked on this journey undecided with a faint idea of what you want to do in your life and which major will best help you get there. That might change - once, maybe twice, heck change every year till you're sure. There's nothing holding you back once you start. This is your future and you are going to be the architect of your destiny. Be fierce and unafraid. Go after what you want, drop what doesn't excite you. If the world is advising you against it but in your heart you know that's what's going to make you the happiest, do it. It is probably the biggest cliché but I'll say it again - you never regret what you do, only what you don't. My hope is for you to come out of these four years with no "what ifs". If you make a mistake, we will find a way to fix it. Nothing is so permanent that it can't be fixed. And at the end of the day, any academic skill earned is an asset and not a mistake. So go ahead and discover your passion.

Last and probably the one that I know you're going to stress about the most - academics. I know you so I obviously know that anything less than a 3.5 GPA will push you over the edge. But I want you to know that none of us, parents included, think that is how you should define your four year journey. Sure your GPA is a great measurement of success but we would rather you define your success with your stories. So travel, take a semester abroad, intern at places you never thought you wanted to, get involved with the community and give back. I haven't once looked back at my time in Sophia's or Manchester and spoken about my grades. More often than not it's my experiences out of the classroom that I remember most and reminisce about. Build that world for yourself, a story that you lived to the fullest for four years. One that isn't encumbered by grades and credits but uplifted by how diverse your experiences were and how well-rounded your personality will be.

As your sister I wish you wins, so you know and taste success but also enough losses so you're not arrogant in your success. I hope you find friends to always have a good and loving support system around you but also lose enough to know that relationships take time and effort to nurture but some aren't worth the effort and letting go is the best, for you and them. I wish you find love and lose it too so you know what first love feels like and how to deal with its loss while you're still young and your heart mends faster. And through it all I promise to stand by you and help you negotiate these challenges by forcing you to be the best version of yourself. I promise to call you out when you lose your way or forget how to be kind. But most of all I promise to always be there - with ice cream or boxing gloves, whatever the need be

Love,

The Intelligent one 

Times like these

Did we never learn to love? Or did we love so fast and so hard that we just didn't know how to keep loving that intensely? When the time finally came, did we burn out our love so much that there was no more to give? 

We live in times where we no more fix things. Everything is replaceable, including our emotions and people we feel them for. In the end, it's not a compromise, it's a sacrifice and no one wants to make it. We just didn't learn perseverance. We only learnt to move on.

The break-up

What no one ever tells you is that sadness comes in phases. The day and day after are undoubtedly spent wallowing in the kind of sadness that makes no sense. How could someone who came into your life only some time ago become so important? Every inch of you is aching and honestly it's a playback of moments in your head. What went wrong? Did I miss the signs? Should I read into situations more/ less? Not a clue. Chocolate here I come!

Then you start to feel better. You hate your life without them lesser and cherish your new memories. At least these have been untouched. You congratulate yourself on being an adult. Look how grown up you are! No maligning them, no blame game, heck you even start believing you could be civil, almost friends, that you could live this life normally again. I mean you knew you would eventually, you're just proud at how quickly you've done it.

And then it comes. On a random Tuesday sitting and watching something on Netflix you don't even care about. A word, a song, a look - triggering a memory and whirlwind of emotions you didn't even know you associated with the word. The reality of your situation pounds on the doors of your senses, demanding to be acknowledged, to be felt, to be respected and not pushed aside. And you do. You accept that life hit you in the face with all its might and that yes you're down. You're down and ready to tap out. After all there's only that much you have the strength for.

I guess it is in times like these when your family and friends can only remind you that yes you're down but you're not out. Yes, you may want to tap out, but nothing in this world would be worth losing them or causing them the pain of losing you. That, you are in pain but (without trying to make your pain insignificant) it would never change the fact that someone out there is in more pain and striving every day to make things better. How can you tap out then? How can you, knowing what loss feels like, be the loser who bowed out when things got tough? So you put on your big girl pants and march down tomorrow knowing that somewhere in the darkness lurks a memory that will catch you unawares, ripping through your gut like a sharp two-edged knife and all you can do then is to breathe, smile and bite back the bile because you actually have grown up.

You like me, you just don't know it yet’, he said laughing. Oh he's going to be trouble, I remember thinking. I knew he was going to be so much trouble when he held my hand as I slept in the hospital after a surgery. It was the only way I could sleep and so he held my hand. It was only natural then when after a month we started dating. It wasn't without our own little dance! God knows I resisted. Said no, walked away a 1000 times. But nope not him. He was persistent. Charming, funny and honest, he definitely set my heart racing and I knew my resistance was not going to last too long. It started off just as any other. We flirted, dated, laughed, held hands and were so into each other the world faded around us. When the highs came, they really were addictive and when the lows came, we rode it out. His patience and my trust allowed us to have the best time even when things became tough. He went from a neighbor to a friend to my best friend. Ann Arbor became our playing ground. We had our places - Frank's, tk Wu, broken egg, things we did - movies, video games, inside jokes and favorite plans. When things got tough with me he became the person I cried to, ranted with and depended on. Think you get the gist now - we were happy.

1 year, 2 months and 2 days. That’s how long it had been. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but to me it was. For an entire year, I was used to coming home to a person, a space we both occupied, shared kitchen, shared living area, planning for two and executing for us. Ann Arbor will forever be a place I associate with us. So when the call came as I was finishing my Christmas dinner, I was surprised. He was in India and more importantly he is not a caller, hell we both aren’t. I thought maybe it was just to wish me Christmas. As soon as I picked it up I knew things were going to fall apart for me. I don’t think he understands how well I know him, his nervous ticks and his tells. I knew this call was going to be different. And it was. He was sure and no matter how I reasoned and asked to understand, there was no changing his mind. Reasons, which by now have become immaterial were stated and that was that. My haven had been destroyed. It ended faster than I could wrap my head around it. His voice became words, words I could see were being relayed ever so meticulously – silently and with no hope, lest that’s a can I try and open again.

So that’s what it felt like. Sudden. And impersonal. It wasn’t like ripping a band-aid, FYI to anyone who says that to me next time. No, it was more like a surgery that leaves a scar – one that reminds you every day that it’s there. It isn’t a battle scar, you’re not valiant. You’re just not right. Worst part about this – he was my person from day 1 and now with 4 months to go, I need to reclaim Ann Arbor as mine, not ours. 

P.S: This is only my side of the story. I am sure it doesn't do justice to how or what he thinks about this. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to gain distance or maturity enough to be able to take that into account. Maybe this post after a few days would've been more balanced. But the truth is, this is the only way I can deal with being overwhelmed, so it was done now.

Writers

Date a guy who writes. Yes, he may be regularly lost and sullen, moody even, but he’ll know better than anyone else how words affect you. When you’re angry he will show you the funny in your words and when you’re sad he will show you how words heal. Commas will no more be punctuation but the pause you can see him take before he tells you how beautiful you look tonight. The future in his words will be a well painted picture, one in which you can imagine the two of you sitting and drinking coffee by the French windows and the low hum of music in the background. Seduction will be intellectual and he’ll show you just how easy it is to know what he thinks because he’ll tell you. He’ll tell you how he feels when you’re around and when you’re not. Just how splendid holding hands with you feels and how your smile lights up his world. And when things go south, he’ll use words guaranteed to cause you pain and break your heart worse than others. The beauty of things ending with writers is that you get over it so damn fast. Because you may forgive and forget a lot of things but you’ll never (or at least should never) go back to someone who knows just exactly how to make you feel vulnerable and then break you.

Women

Women are inexplicably the most emotional creatures in the world. I am not even completely sure how that works. Put us in a professional settings and we are bright, we’re smart and we'll make decisions well worth our competence. Put us in a personal setting and be rest assured all our rationality is going down the shitters. I don't make emotional decisions. I'm not the girl that puts her sleep in jeopardy because that boy I like is still awake, not going to happen. Until it does. That moment when you let your guard down and you make that change. You give another person the kind of importance you didn't even know you had it in you to give. You make decisions. Admittedly dumbass decisions where you accommodate and prioritize them in your life because you think they're important. And then they don't. Importance for me has always been linked to actions, not words. As a very wise friend says, talk is cheap. 

Note: These opinions are mine and mine alone based on observation of me and a few friends. No offense meant.