What no one ever tells you
is that sadness comes in phases. The day and day after are undoubtedly spent
wallowing in the kind of sadness that makes no sense. How could someone who
came into your life only some time ago become so important? Every inch of you
is aching and honestly it's a playback of moments in your head. What went
wrong? Did I miss the signs? Should I read into situations more/ less? Not a
clue. Chocolate here I come!
Then you start to feel better. You hate your life without them lesser and cherish your new memories. At least these have been untouched. You congratulate yourself on being an adult. Look how grown up you are! No maligning them, no blame game, heck you even start believing you could be civil, almost friends, that you could live this life normally again. I mean you knew you would eventually, you're just proud at how quickly you've done it.
And then it comes. On a random Tuesday sitting and watching something on Netflix you don't even care about. A word, a song, a look - triggering a memory and whirlwind of emotions you didn't even know you associated with the word. The reality of your situation pounds on the doors of your senses, demanding to be acknowledged, to be felt, to be respected and not pushed aside. And you do. You accept that life hit you in the face with all its might and that yes you're down. You're down and ready to tap out. After all there's only that much you have the strength for.
I guess it is in times like these when your family and friends can only remind you that yes you're down but you're not out. Yes, you may want to tap out, but nothing in this world would be worth losing them or causing them the pain of losing you. That, you are in pain but (without trying to make your pain insignificant) it would never change the fact that someone out there is in more pain and striving every day to make things better. How can you tap out then? How can you, knowing what loss feels like, be the loser who bowed out when things got tough? So you put on your big girl pants and march down tomorrow knowing that somewhere in the darkness lurks a memory that will catch you unawares, ripping through your gut like a sharp two-edged knife and all you can do then is to breathe, smile and bite back the bile because you actually have grown up.
Then you start to feel better. You hate your life without them lesser and cherish your new memories. At least these have been untouched. You congratulate yourself on being an adult. Look how grown up you are! No maligning them, no blame game, heck you even start believing you could be civil, almost friends, that you could live this life normally again. I mean you knew you would eventually, you're just proud at how quickly you've done it.
And then it comes. On a random Tuesday sitting and watching something on Netflix you don't even care about. A word, a song, a look - triggering a memory and whirlwind of emotions you didn't even know you associated with the word. The reality of your situation pounds on the doors of your senses, demanding to be acknowledged, to be felt, to be respected and not pushed aside. And you do. You accept that life hit you in the face with all its might and that yes you're down. You're down and ready to tap out. After all there's only that much you have the strength for.
I guess it is in times like these when your family and friends can only remind you that yes you're down but you're not out. Yes, you may want to tap out, but nothing in this world would be worth losing them or causing them the pain of losing you. That, you are in pain but (without trying to make your pain insignificant) it would never change the fact that someone out there is in more pain and striving every day to make things better. How can you tap out then? How can you, knowing what loss feels like, be the loser who bowed out when things got tough? So you put on your big girl pants and march down tomorrow knowing that somewhere in the darkness lurks a memory that will catch you unawares, ripping through your gut like a sharp two-edged knife and all you can do then is to breathe, smile and bite back the bile because you actually have grown up.
my heart hurts so bad for you right now. i really cannot imagine how you feel. i do know how special a person can become in such a short time. ironically, shane and i started dating around the same time you began. it is crazy how quickly someone can change your life. but know this: i have known since i met you that are a badass. you are smart, hot, and hilarious. you are such a catch. it may sound cheesy, but take this time to focus on you. i am not sure if you know this, but i was engaged once and i called it off (horrible relationship). i didn't mourn for him when i called it off but i mourned for myself--i had lost myself in that relationship. i know it is a completely different situation for you- but what helped heal me was focusing on me. self-care. whatever that may be- gym, ice cream, nails (oh my god so many manicures happened), shopping, reading, traveling. you can do whatever the f*ck you want. the sky is the limit my friend. i want to hug you so bad. you're a beautiful soul. and i can't wait to see where life takes you.
ReplyDelete