Big Love

I think I finally know why people say they will never forget their first big love. Unrequited or not, first love is like a drug. It’s all consuming and all encompassing. If it doesn't make or break you, it definitely does change you. It trains you, sets expectations and if you're lucky, it shows you not only what you're capable of mentally but also emotionally. And when this love is lost, which happens more often than not, you grow the fuck up. Maybe you’ll leave a part of you behind and maybe you’ll take a part of them with you. But you pick up the pieces, pull yourself together and you move on. And you tell yourself the one universal truth - you will be alright. Tough times don't last, tough people do and you will repeat this to yourself till you actually are all right.

Movies, Books and Real Life

I think it was sometime in 2009 when I trekked up to the cinema hall with 3 of my closest friends in UK for what was going to be a life changing experience. Since that day, I have steadily maintained that my life as I knew it had changed.

As girls I have realised it’s almost our business, no, birth right to analyse and dismantle every words said, every move made by a man to mean something (good or bad). We love it... it thrills us; it excites us and gives us a reason to hope. Hope somehow is the beginning of the process. We sit there hoping and kidding ourselves into believing and seeing things that may or may not exist. All those who saw the movie know what I'm talking about. Yes, I am talking about he's just not that into you.

That movie for me broke away from the usual bull shittery of happily ever after and don’t worry if he doesn’t give shit about you, when you finally put on tonnes of makeup and/or wear good clothes the guy will come grovelling to you you to take him back.  Oh how I've fantasized about the time when that happens. But for this movie, there was no fluff, no fantasies - real women, real stories, real issues and (sometimes) heart breaking-ly real results.

A year after watching the movie (a couple 1000 times) a friend told me about the book. The only thing on my mind was – if the movie was this good, the book has to be. But it was different! It wasn’t better or worse, it was just more direct. I don’t know if it was having it written out in print or it was having it said in a letter format or maybe it was knowing that these were normal everyday women (hey, the movie still had some very, very gorgeous women, here I was free to determine the prettiness of the letter writing women :P ) facing everyday issues that the words he’s just not that into you finally seeped into my brains.

But more I read the book, the more I realised it in general encompassed all the men there are. And was it all black and white... were there no grey areas? What if a man was actually busy with work? What if he actually was commitment-phobic? The’ what if’s’ started outweighing the honest truth of the book and I found myself grappling at ends, wondering when is good, good enough? And what if there isn’t a guy out there who has all of this, what do you do? Sit around and wait for what may or may not ever happen? Is it worth giving up on a reality that is pleasant for a dream that one day you might get up from and realise you might’ve almost had it but you let it go.

If only I could count the number of times I’ve hoped for my life to be a book or at least easily lived according to the guidelines put down by someone else. But no one said it was going to be easy. You live, you stumble, you walk and you fall, you get up and try again. No one is going to tell you how and no one is going to tell you just when it’s time to finally hang up your boots. But it’s always nice to see a little board pointing you in the right direction. The book’s made sure I am on the path at least – who know if I go the distance!

Muted

The loud whispers of unsaid words
The claustrophobia of unseen walls
What keeps us together now
Are feelings that we had
We go back and forth
Trying to make it work
But we both know
It’s nearing its end
Words not blame, actions not reactions
Care not hate and two kind words
We part ways as strangers
Maybe to meet again
Let not our loss overshadow our will to try
Let not our fears take over
Knowing what we had wasn't so bad
Maybe test the bonds of friendship again

Playing and Losing

Disclaimer - if you think this is going to help your disastrous relationship, it won't. It’s just my thought process

I think relationships are a lot like playing snakes and ladders. What goes up, does come down (even if only once) and at some point someone u see or dodge on the way up, does meet you on the way down.

But as I grow up the games are becoming less fun and more exhausting. I'm no great shakes at relationships but I always thought because I'm not exactly the clingy, "call me every 5 minutes no baby" types I kept them quite clutter free. Apparently, not. The deeper I delve into relationships I realise what I think is clutter free is actually viewed in 3000 different ways with 6000 different explanations - each more exhausting than the previous

I wish people would realise I have zero intentions and zero thought process. I am one of the quickest people to turn off my brains and more often than not after an argument my brain goes into snooze mode and anything said or done at this point has no relevance or importance, sanity even less so. Its done without a final result in mind and its only to kick-start my brain after situations.

What no one prepared me for were the consequences. What no one told me was that when my brain and sanity collapse upon me, I will more often than not lose a supporting pillar of my strength. While my brain marches ahead to its own beat with blinders on, my poor heart will huff and puff, crawl and trip toward the direction my head is going in. And by the time it reaches close to my head it will be torn, broken and tattered with scars that will take forever to heal, leaving me with lessons learnt, and memories never to be forgotten

Inky Pinky Ponky

At 25 most people stop having troublesome, dramatic lives. Most people have the job they want and are either in love with someone or engaged to someone whom they will eventually learn to love. If not this, they are either getting married or having kids. At least that’s what seems to be the situation around me.

Me, not I sire, I have found that being ever so indecisive and wanting to do several things at once and nothing at all the next minute makes me a very obvious customer to restlessness. But to be true to myself, all this restlessness has really helped shape who I am. Learning new things, badgering people to know more seems to be a positive push most times in my profession.

But then again, i have never been lazy about my aspirations. I have always known what i want and what i must do to get it. I think this is why my decisions have never been dramatic. Not once have I regretted or worried and pondered upon the choices I've made. As far as i can remember, once i knew what it is that i wanted to do, i have in a single – minded way striven to get it. If there have been external factors that haven’t been in my control that changed my path, i have also been flexible enough to go with it, as far as i was moving in the direction that i was actually wanting to get to.

Before I turned 25, my career and studies kept taking the priority seats in the theatre of my life and I was happy with that. Since I have only seen working women in the house I have always accepted that to be the norm and never questioned my priorities. But now I wonder if I should’ve stopped and looked for a different audience. Or now, if there is a different audience, should my priorities, only but naturally, change?

I'm not sure if it is, but it seems to me that just about every woman, at some point in her life goes through a career vs. family conundrum. She will beat herself up and ask herself a million times if she is in fact right in putting her ambitions ahead of her family and if eventually that is exactly what she wants. As luck would have it, no matter how much you like your job or do it well, if you aren’t growing a part of you is looking to do better, do more. Pushed by a general sense of restlessness I've been seeking answers to the all important “what next” in my life and as any 25 year old Indian girl will tell you, the choices are fast narrowing to shaadi profiles or admission letters. After months of looking at my choices and examining my current situation (life, in general and job, specifically), I've realised I'm guilty. I'm guilty of wanting more out of my career than my family life. Problem is I don't feel guilty. Has the society attuned us so that we've forever accepted that a woman's life must slowly but surely give way to a “family first” life, that the man is the bread winner and woman the "home minister", that if a woman wants not to have to give up her dreams and ambitions for her boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband then she is infact not “shaadi material” and that for a woman to be ambitious is to be in some inherent way, "wrong".

In a time like today when women like Chandha Kochhar, Zia Mody and Indra Nooyi are breaking the glass ceiling and proving their excellence, then why in my small world should I not dream and strive to be where they are? Don’t I, as a 25 year old educated girl of today, owe it to myself and my parents, to succeed and be true to who I want to be? Is it in some way a repayment of my parents’ efforts and sacrifice and an answer to the dreams they’ve seen for me? What if making gol rotis and fulfilling social requirements isn’t what I want to do. What if I no more want to let my relationships define me? Is there ever winning when you’re bound down by who you want to be and how the society thinks you should be?