Muted

The loud whispers of unsaid words
The claustrophobia of unseen walls
What keeps us together now
Are feelings that we had
We go back and forth
Trying to make it work
But we both know
It’s nearing its end
Words not blame, actions not reactions
Care not hate and two kind words
We part ways as strangers
Maybe to meet again
Let not our loss overshadow our will to try
Let not our fears take over
Knowing what we had wasn't so bad
Maybe test the bonds of friendship again

Playing and Losing

Disclaimer - if you think this is going to help your disastrous relationship, it won't. It’s just my thought process

I think relationships are a lot like playing snakes and ladders. What goes up, does come down (even if only once) and at some point someone u see or dodge on the way up, does meet you on the way down.

But as I grow up the games are becoming less fun and more exhausting. I'm no great shakes at relationships but I always thought because I'm not exactly the clingy, "call me every 5 minutes no baby" types I kept them quite clutter free. Apparently, not. The deeper I delve into relationships I realise what I think is clutter free is actually viewed in 3000 different ways with 6000 different explanations - each more exhausting than the previous

I wish people would realise I have zero intentions and zero thought process. I am one of the quickest people to turn off my brains and more often than not after an argument my brain goes into snooze mode and anything said or done at this point has no relevance or importance, sanity even less so. Its done without a final result in mind and its only to kick-start my brain after situations.

What no one prepared me for were the consequences. What no one told me was that when my brain and sanity collapse upon me, I will more often than not lose a supporting pillar of my strength. While my brain marches ahead to its own beat with blinders on, my poor heart will huff and puff, crawl and trip toward the direction my head is going in. And by the time it reaches close to my head it will be torn, broken and tattered with scars that will take forever to heal, leaving me with lessons learnt, and memories never to be forgotten

Inky Pinky Ponky

At 25 most people stop having troublesome, dramatic lives. Most people have the job they want and are either in love with someone or engaged to someone whom they will eventually learn to love. If not this, they are either getting married or having kids. At least that’s what seems to be the situation around me.

Me, not I sire, I have found that being ever so indecisive and wanting to do several things at once and nothing at all the next minute makes me a very obvious customer to restlessness. But to be true to myself, all this restlessness has really helped shape who I am. Learning new things, badgering people to know more seems to be a positive push most times in my profession.

But then again, i have never been lazy about my aspirations. I have always known what i want and what i must do to get it. I think this is why my decisions have never been dramatic. Not once have I regretted or worried and pondered upon the choices I've made. As far as i can remember, once i knew what it is that i wanted to do, i have in a single – minded way striven to get it. If there have been external factors that haven’t been in my control that changed my path, i have also been flexible enough to go with it, as far as i was moving in the direction that i was actually wanting to get to.

Before I turned 25, my career and studies kept taking the priority seats in the theatre of my life and I was happy with that. Since I have only seen working women in the house I have always accepted that to be the norm and never questioned my priorities. But now I wonder if I should’ve stopped and looked for a different audience. Or now, if there is a different audience, should my priorities, only but naturally, change?

I'm not sure if it is, but it seems to me that just about every woman, at some point in her life goes through a career vs. family conundrum. She will beat herself up and ask herself a million times if she is in fact right in putting her ambitions ahead of her family and if eventually that is exactly what she wants. As luck would have it, no matter how much you like your job or do it well, if you aren’t growing a part of you is looking to do better, do more. Pushed by a general sense of restlessness I've been seeking answers to the all important “what next” in my life and as any 25 year old Indian girl will tell you, the choices are fast narrowing to shaadi profiles or admission letters. After months of looking at my choices and examining my current situation (life, in general and job, specifically), I've realised I'm guilty. I'm guilty of wanting more out of my career than my family life. Problem is I don't feel guilty. Has the society attuned us so that we've forever accepted that a woman's life must slowly but surely give way to a “family first” life, that the man is the bread winner and woman the "home minister", that if a woman wants not to have to give up her dreams and ambitions for her boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband then she is infact not “shaadi material” and that for a woman to be ambitious is to be in some inherent way, "wrong".

In a time like today when women like Chandha Kochhar, Zia Mody and Indra Nooyi are breaking the glass ceiling and proving their excellence, then why in my small world should I not dream and strive to be where they are? Don’t I, as a 25 year old educated girl of today, owe it to myself and my parents, to succeed and be true to who I want to be? Is it in some way a repayment of my parents’ efforts and sacrifice and an answer to the dreams they’ve seen for me? What if making gol rotis and fulfilling social requirements isn’t what I want to do. What if I no more want to let my relationships define me? Is there ever winning when you’re bound down by who you want to be and how the society thinks you should be?

Just to say... Thank You

Every once in a while our lives are touched by people who see us not for who and how we are but who we can be. They force us to accept our faults (even if grudgingly so) and tell us how wonderful we can be. They care and they do it without expectations and without worrying about consequences. I've been blessed. I've had someone care for me in ways I didn't think was possible. Suddenly, life seems more wonderful and I've been left overwhelmed.

One of my biggest problems is that I'm not extremely verbally expressive. My words get lost behind my apprehension of losing what I have and more often than not I've never had the chance to simply say, thank you.

This year when I turned 25 some wonderful, wonderful people from my life got together and gave me a night that I will truly remember and cherish for the rest of my life. My reaction did no justice to how I felt so this is a small note for all those who made it happen to express my sincere gratitude and to tell them how deeply indebted I am for how loved they’ve made me feel. I may not say it often, I may not say it at all but I am truly amazed and I love every single one of you dearly

All that’s ex is… painful?

In the past I have expressed views on how my break up was a a perfectly mutual one and how now we are great friends and how we had managed to find that beautiful equilibrium. Bull shit. See, sometimes, its easier said than done. The more time I spent with this person from my past, I realised how comfortable and how easy it was and lesser I wanted to let go of what could be. Like every girl in a situation like this I did what my heart told me to do – I jumped, off the edge, to fall face first and somehow there isn’t a remedy to that except distance. All our comfort and friendship flew out of the window when faced with pain and I did what any one in my situation would, I stopped all interactions. 

It has been a good 3 months since I last spoke to the person who I thought was so important in my life. Do I miss him? Ofcourse, I’d be superhuman if I didnt. We had some good times and everytime I would pass our regular joints, the emptiness of my situation would come back to haunt me. One of the most painful situations for me was to pass his house every single day of the week to get to office, such is luck. On one of my self - pitying days I looked out of the window, longing to remember and wallow in the memory of how great things were when I realised I didn’t remember his place at all. It surprised me. I mustve looked about for 10 minutes with no success, we had crossed the locality and I couldn’t spot his house. This continued for the entire week, with no success. I just couldn’t remember where he lived. Finally, done with that. It was good till it lasted but as of now, kthxbye.