Playing and Losing

Disclaimer - if you think this is going to help your disastrous relationship, it won't. It’s just my thought process

I think relationships are a lot like playing snakes and ladders. What goes up, does come down (even if only once) and at some point someone u see or dodge on the way up, does meet you on the way down.

But as I grow up the games are becoming less fun and more exhausting. I'm no great shakes at relationships but I always thought because I'm not exactly the clingy, "call me every 5 minutes no baby" types I kept them quite clutter free. Apparently, not. The deeper I delve into relationships I realise what I think is clutter free is actually viewed in 3000 different ways with 6000 different explanations - each more exhausting than the previous

I wish people would realise I have zero intentions and zero thought process. I am one of the quickest people to turn off my brains and more often than not after an argument my brain goes into snooze mode and anything said or done at this point has no relevance or importance, sanity even less so. Its done without a final result in mind and its only to kick-start my brain after situations.

What no one prepared me for were the consequences. What no one told me was that when my brain and sanity collapse upon me, I will more often than not lose a supporting pillar of my strength. While my brain marches ahead to its own beat with blinders on, my poor heart will huff and puff, crawl and trip toward the direction my head is going in. And by the time it reaches close to my head it will be torn, broken and tattered with scars that will take forever to heal, leaving me with lessons learnt, and memories never to be forgotten

Inky Pinky Ponky

At 25 most people stop having troublesome, dramatic lives. Most people have the job they want and are either in love with someone or engaged to someone whom they will eventually learn to love. If not this, they are either getting married or having kids. At least that’s what seems to be the situation around me.

Me, not I sire, I have found that being ever so indecisive and wanting to do several things at once and nothing at all the next minute makes me a very obvious customer to restlessness. But to be true to myself, all this restlessness has really helped shape who I am. Learning new things, badgering people to know more seems to be a positive push most times in my profession.

But then again, i have never been lazy about my aspirations. I have always known what i want and what i must do to get it. I think this is why my decisions have never been dramatic. Not once have I regretted or worried and pondered upon the choices I've made. As far as i can remember, once i knew what it is that i wanted to do, i have in a single – minded way striven to get it. If there have been external factors that haven’t been in my control that changed my path, i have also been flexible enough to go with it, as far as i was moving in the direction that i was actually wanting to get to.

Before I turned 25, my career and studies kept taking the priority seats in the theatre of my life and I was happy with that. Since I have only seen working women in the house I have always accepted that to be the norm and never questioned my priorities. But now I wonder if I should’ve stopped and looked for a different audience. Or now, if there is a different audience, should my priorities, only but naturally, change?

I'm not sure if it is, but it seems to me that just about every woman, at some point in her life goes through a career vs. family conundrum. She will beat herself up and ask herself a million times if she is in fact right in putting her ambitions ahead of her family and if eventually that is exactly what she wants. As luck would have it, no matter how much you like your job or do it well, if you aren’t growing a part of you is looking to do better, do more. Pushed by a general sense of restlessness I've been seeking answers to the all important “what next” in my life and as any 25 year old Indian girl will tell you, the choices are fast narrowing to shaadi profiles or admission letters. After months of looking at my choices and examining my current situation (life, in general and job, specifically), I've realised I'm guilty. I'm guilty of wanting more out of my career than my family life. Problem is I don't feel guilty. Has the society attuned us so that we've forever accepted that a woman's life must slowly but surely give way to a “family first” life, that the man is the bread winner and woman the "home minister", that if a woman wants not to have to give up her dreams and ambitions for her boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband then she is infact not “shaadi material” and that for a woman to be ambitious is to be in some inherent way, "wrong".

In a time like today when women like Chandha Kochhar, Zia Mody and Indra Nooyi are breaking the glass ceiling and proving their excellence, then why in my small world should I not dream and strive to be where they are? Don’t I, as a 25 year old educated girl of today, owe it to myself and my parents, to succeed and be true to who I want to be? Is it in some way a repayment of my parents’ efforts and sacrifice and an answer to the dreams they’ve seen for me? What if making gol rotis and fulfilling social requirements isn’t what I want to do. What if I no more want to let my relationships define me? Is there ever winning when you’re bound down by who you want to be and how the society thinks you should be?

Just to say... Thank You

Every once in a while our lives are touched by people who see us not for who and how we are but who we can be. They force us to accept our faults (even if grudgingly so) and tell us how wonderful we can be. They care and they do it without expectations and without worrying about consequences. I've been blessed. I've had someone care for me in ways I didn't think was possible. Suddenly, life seems more wonderful and I've been left overwhelmed.

One of my biggest problems is that I'm not extremely verbally expressive. My words get lost behind my apprehension of losing what I have and more often than not I've never had the chance to simply say, thank you.

This year when I turned 25 some wonderful, wonderful people from my life got together and gave me a night that I will truly remember and cherish for the rest of my life. My reaction did no justice to how I felt so this is a small note for all those who made it happen to express my sincere gratitude and to tell them how deeply indebted I am for how loved they’ve made me feel. I may not say it often, I may not say it at all but I am truly amazed and I love every single one of you dearly

All that’s ex is… painful?

In the past I have expressed views on how my break up was a a perfectly mutual one and how now we are great friends and how we had managed to find that beautiful equilibrium. Bull shit. See, sometimes, its easier said than done. The more time I spent with this person from my past, I realised how comfortable and how easy it was and lesser I wanted to let go of what could be. Like every girl in a situation like this I did what my heart told me to do – I jumped, off the edge, to fall face first and somehow there isn’t a remedy to that except distance. All our comfort and friendship flew out of the window when faced with pain and I did what any one in my situation would, I stopped all interactions. 

It has been a good 3 months since I last spoke to the person who I thought was so important in my life. Do I miss him? Ofcourse, I’d be superhuman if I didnt. We had some good times and everytime I would pass our regular joints, the emptiness of my situation would come back to haunt me. One of the most painful situations for me was to pass his house every single day of the week to get to office, such is luck. On one of my self - pitying days I looked out of the window, longing to remember and wallow in the memory of how great things were when I realised I didn’t remember his place at all. It surprised me. I mustve looked about for 10 minutes with no success, we had crossed the locality and I couldn’t spot his house. This continued for the entire week, with no success. I just couldn’t remember where he lived. Finally, done with that. It was good till it lasted but as of now, kthxbye.

Random rant II

I have always been a patient listener. I think it’s one of the things I have always been proud of. Therefore, I have tonnes of people who approach me for advice or at least just to be a sounding board for them. In most parts, I am happy to do so. I may not always say things they want to hear but I at least tell them what’s actually on my mind. Having said that I am honest, I must confess, I am not brutally honest. Obviously there are times when I have wanted to say stuff like STFU, You are an idiot, Stop whining and move on but believe it or not, I haven’t! Over the years, I have had more conversations like these than I care about and finally, here is a collection of what the conversation was and my true response to them. If you find a conversation you have had with me on this list, well, I guess I should say I’m sorry, but maybe I’m not so sorry after all.

The Damsel in distress: “Oh my god! I love him… but it’s obvious, he’s just playing with my emotions, he doesn’t really care!”

What I hear – I need pity and sympathy and I need it now!

What I want to say – “Yes! He is playing. Yes, he doesn’t care. But you are going to obsess about this guy for the next 100 years (atleast thats how long it feels it is) and are going to keep coming back to me to comfort u. FML”

The Perennial Majnu: “So I finally told this girl on a different continent that I love her and she says she likes me too. I’m so glad”

What I hear – here, take this axe hammer and strike me with it

What I want to say – “oh you are?? That’s great! So what’s happening now? Are you guys going be together? No? Right! Oh well, congratulations then! You have now gone from “I’m – so – miserable – because - I - don’t - know - how – she - feels” to “I’m - so - miserable - because - I - know - how - she - feels - and - we – can’t - be - together”. I’m glad this is working out for you. No, seriously. Happy - fucking – miserable - realisation to you.

The Bewda dost: “Man I am so drunk. And u r so ”

What I hear - you are the only girl around and when I am drunk I am very affectionate. I also will hit on anything that moves because I’m smooth like that.

What I want to say - if I agree, whether or not I believe you, will it stop you from fucking my brains further?

The forever bechara: “… and then she just turned around and said no. I’m so heartbroken”

What I hear – Sympathy! Now! Also, bitch about her please.

What I want to say – she said whatttt?!!? You mean after she cried all day long to you about her ex, then went out on dates with this other guy who you warned her was an asshole, then cried about the second guy to you and made you take her out for expensive dinners and movies, she said she wasn’t interested in you. I totally didn’t see that one coming. Also, grow a pair.

The buddy boy: “You are like one of the guys”

What I hear – You are a boy

What I want to say – you see these pair in front? No I’m not a dude. I may have more balls than half the men you know, but I am not a guy.

The diplomatic bitch: “you’re sweet”

What I hear – I wish the earth would split n gobble u up.

What I want to say – You are really sweet too

The drunken bitch: “you are so cool… I like how you are so bindaas. You have inspired me (all this in a drunken slur).

What I Hear - In my sober state I think you are a slut who is an attention seeker and I hate that you can talk more to the guy I have the hots for than I can. Burn in hell, bitch. I am never going to want be like u.

What I want to say – You can try, par yeh unique piece hai! :D

I wish half of these incidents were made up. But believe me; u can’t make this shit up. No way.

25 things I learnt in Uni

No, this isn’t going to be about how 2 years away from home changed me/ made me a better person/ more focussed person, no, none of that. This is what the classrooms didn’t teach me

1. Dont mix drinks OR drinks and anything that you can smoke.

2. Waking up and feeling like crap is perfectly legit. All those who disagree, try 7 or more shots of vodka.

3. “Is that sound inside or outside my head” is a perfectly acceptable question after a night out.

4. Kebabs are your best friend after a night out.

5. Cereal at any time of the day is a legit meal. Even at 4 pm!

6. Don’t congratulate yourself on your aim, it’s not target practice if you are throwing up in the toilet. Even though it may seem so at that point in time.

7. It is completely possible to sit in front of your laptop the whole day and stream one series after the other. There’s so much to watch, it’s not even a challenge.

8. Putting oil, haldi (turmeric), mirchi (red chilli powder), dhania (coriander powder) and garam masala in anything makes it yum – doesn’t make u a world class chef.

9. It is possible to make an entire meal in the oven – frozen food FTW!

10. Putting lemonade in cheap ass wine does make it drink-able. It doesn’t make it a Cabernet Sauvignon but at least it stops tasting like vinegar.

11. Reading your drunk-texts in the morning will embarrass you. Without an exception.

12. There should be a code or a law against reminding drunk people the next day about what they did or said. Seriously, it’s lame.

13. During exams, cooking, cleaning, scrubbing your bathroom for hours, taking a walk, laundry, checking FB for every single update, chatting, checking ur mails, listening to every annoying person cry about their problems are not methods of procrastination. They are important stress busters.

14. We (Indians) genuinely have no concept of time – being late is our thing. So is being curious and gossiping about everyone else’s life.

15. It is possible to get absolutely wasted before the sun even sets. It is normal to be so before sunrise.

16. As a student, it’s your birth right to pick up stuff on offer. You know the kinds that say 3 for 1, even if it means you just spent 70p more than required. “It was on offer”. Enough said.

17. The window between spotting a person and smiling at them without looking like a creep is VERY small. So is the time frame for ” hug or not to hug” decision.

18. It is perfectly normal to cut out the fungus-ed area from your cheese and use it like it’s as good as new.

19. stalking people on FB is legal

20. never wake up people who have passed out, no matter where they are. NEVER.

21. Everything and anything can be bought at primark. All those who just cringed at this – this is why we didn’t hang out, you snob!

22. It is completely normal to travel from Manchester to any place by bus – even if it takes 2 hrs extra if its cheaper.

23. Indians talk the most abt other Indians. Thats what makes us happy – pointing at fellow Indians and going – shameless retards. Tbh, Indians are the ones that give you most reasons to be embarrassed anyway. :|

24. Never underestimate – 1 a drunk person’s hunger, 2 ability of drunk people to fit in small places and 3 size of a bed – invariably the smallest of them can fit two ppl – try head to toe!

25. The hardest decision you will make is to leave. It sucks. You will get used to it back home but your life will never be the same. People you like, people you don’t, people who like you and people who don’t will all form an important part of who you will be at the end of the year. Appreciate it.

Chapters Less Thumbed...

I guess our past never does leave us. It has this uncanny knack of sneaking up on us, smacking us right in the face when we least expect it, in ways we never thought. Our life is a story book, an amalgamation of chapters we put together - the good, the bad and the very ugly. Just because we choose to skip over a chapter doesn't mean it isn't there. It's there, maybe not as well thumbed as the recent ones, but it's there and every once in a while, our mind revisits these chapters so that we can be thankful for what we had and appreciate what we currently have.