Newly Single Girl’s Guide to Survival

While I am not newly single, I know people who are. I kept thinking what could I possibly tell them? And I guess, all I got is, it doesn’t matter if you broke up or he did, if it’s bothering you I think this could help. It helped me and I am only trying to spread the love

• Cry: Fergie famously sang, Big Girls Don’t Cry. By all definitions, I’m a big girl and you know what? Fuck that! Cry. Cry into the night, cry at sappy movies and cry because your aunt twice removed shared a video of something emotional on Facebook. Get it out of your system. Nobody ever said it was good idea to bottle up your issues, it sucks and you’re entitled to as many outbursts as you want
• Chocolates and/or ice cream: Nothing instantly lifts your mood like something sweet. So find your poison, find you passion and ‘treat yoself’! Don’t listen to people that say chocolates never solved anything. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life
• Girlfriends: Find your core group that doesn’t groan when you say, for the millionth time, “can you believe him?” or worse “I think we can be friends”. These are your rock solid cheerleaders that’ll make you feel like a million bucks when you have snot flowing out of your nose and Cheetos in your hair. These are also the people that will never gloat over how they “told you so”. They might bring it up much later over cocktails and a gigantic brunch but not when you don’t need to hear it
• Drunk dancing and/or karaoke: Grab your girls, grab some drinks and dance/sing the night away. Get out there with your ‘squad’ and have fun. And if in the middle of it you feel like having a cry, do that too. Just get out and socialize. It gets better
• Music: Listen to Divas, old and new, and listen to how powerful they know you can be. Channel it, believe it, live it. Also, these songs are so good for drunk karaoke, in your pajamas, eating ice cream
• Make up: I’m not particularly into clothes or shoes or bags so my go-to was make-up. In case those are your jam more than make up, buy those! For me, it led to so much make up! Only surpassed by the countless hours of beauty tutorials on YouTube. I bought that contour set and that red lipstick. Why not? I realized, albeit very late, that I needed to focus on myself and present myself in the glossiest of wrappings. Not because I wanted him to regret his decision. No, it was because I needed to remember that I wasn’t actually as dowdy as I usually left home looking like. Look beautiful, feel beautiful, be beautiful!
• Pajamas: For days when you don’t want to look, feel or be beautiful, find yourself the most comfortable set of pajamas. Preferably, ones that are sturdy enough to take 3 days of lying in bed and eating Cheetos at a stretch, should you so choose to do
• Ignore people: You know what the easiest thing to do is? Make lists for others to follow after the fact. Nobody but you should be able to tell you how to deal with whatever is happening in your life. So throw the lists and formulae out the window and do what you want. You want a revenge body? Channel your inner Khloe Kardashian. You want to walk around in pajamas, do it! I’ll send you pictures of me in pajamas at Walgreens to encourage you. Want to bitch, rant and moan without annoying people? Start a blog. Get that haircut, manicure the life out of your nails and don’t overthink that rebound. But for the sake of everything that you hold dear, identify the people who are there just to revel in how miserable you are, and cut them out. Those are the people not worth having in your life. Take the trash out and know you never needed me to tell you everything I just did. But if you did, I’m here!

Healing

She knew healing was tough
Between broken bones and torn ligaments
She had managed to mend it all
What she never had to mend
Was a broken heart
She looked for answers in all the wrong places
Between google pages and books on anatomy
But the prescription for sleepless nights and heartache
Would not be as simple as painkillers and rest
Of the three things that she'd need - time, patience, and the ability to forgive
She would never be able to do the last
If mercy was sold in stores
She would buy it in bulk
And tell herself everyday
I forgive you for the pain

2016, a recap!

This year has truly been one of extremes. Every emotion that I've felt, I've felt with all of my being. Sadness, anger, hope and happiness have found a way to weave themselves into all the stories I have to tell and also the ones I don't. I started my year surrounded by my cousin and his family, being told by my nephew that he loves me. 5 months later I saw myself moving into his house with all my bags and baggage. 8 months on, I find myself looking back on 2016 with the kind of contempt that I only reserve for Kale, and maybe beetroot. But to be fair, 2016 has been a teacher of epic proportions! So, Thank You 2016 for

•  Showing me just how much love I am capable of giving and receiving. It has been a humbling experience
• My increased focus on writing. This year might've been my most active writing-wise and one in which I ended up experimenting with more writing formats than I have up until now. It has been a rush to know I have at least one creative bone in my body, if I may say so myself
• Friendships that stood the test of time, and the ones that didn't
• Finally allowing me to feel settled. A new job, apartment, roommate and car later, I'm ready for 2017. Almost anyway!
• Renewed closeness with my cousins and extended family. I have depended heavily on them over the last 1 year and really tested our ties. Thankfully, we thrived
• Showing me the large army of family and friends that will rally behind and uplift me, should the need be
• Allowing me to learn how to forgive myself. Sure, I’ve had more than a few moments I wish I could go back in time and undo, but I’m no time traveler. All I can do, is hope that those I have hurt can forgive me just as I am learning to do so myself
• Showing me how to have a tad bit more grace in times when I would rather not. I’ve not had things served up to me on a platter but I’ve also never had to work with things going in the opposite direction. Hopefully, this would be the year when if things go wrong, I’d be able to accept them better
• Teaching me to be grateful and humble
• California!! I would’ve never moved here left on my own accord. But I did. And thank god for that. Weather, family, food and friends – what more could I want with life?

Rebuild

To her, the destruction looked like hope

Hope, that the new world she inhabits

Will be the one she builds herself

As she walks through the debris of her past

And starts looking at it piece by piece

Memories and nostalgia sweep over her

Smiles, giggles and a rush of love

She pockets these hastily

Sifting through the ones that hurt

She holds on to the one that hurts the most

The one that tears through her being with its jagged edge

For next time she is lost

She will let this piece impale her naivety

And draw blood from her mouth

Lest she forgets the pain that labored her perfect new world

Storm

If there ever was a storm waiting to blow over

It would be her

It isn’t because she carries within her

Destructive forces of a thousand seas

Or because what you thought was her calmness,

Is just the calm before a storm

No, it’s because when she finally lets go

She will bring with her hail, thunder and rain

She will use the might of the wind beneath her wings

To eliminate the very purpose of your presence, your need

And when she is finally done

She will show you both death and life

While she sheds the shroud of the person she became

Version of the person you so carefully created

She will rejoice the birth of the person she knows she could be

The woman that intimidated you, one that you thought she couldn’t be

If you're sappy and you know it

2 years ago, on this date, I came home from a 5 day long hospitalization. I had burst my appendix and it had been a harrowing experience. I was in a new country, surrounded by people I didn't know, dealing with a medical system I couldn't make head or tail of. To say the least, it was frustrating. I am not ashamed to accept the fact that I missed my mum and I needed her more than life itself.

Looking back, it was also the experience that defined my MBA experience. As I lay on the bathroom floor, unable to stand and writhing in agony, I called all my neighbors. Understandably, at 4 am, all of them were asleep. Taking a chance, I called my friend who lived in the building next to mine. 2 rings, hello? All I could manage was a guttural scream that was somehow meant to translate to 'Help!'. Miraculously she understood.

For the next five days, I was shown the kind of friendship that usually comes with familiarity. But there I was, surrounded by people I was only getting to know. Somehow, in those 5 days, I formed a bond with strangers in roles that they will continue to essay 2 years later (give or take a few people). I don't know if any of my friendships would've looked like this if it wasn't for me not realizing my appendix had burst, and so in some dark twisted way, I'm thankful.

But I'm more thankful for my crazies. I promise this is the limit of me being sappy but here goes:
Anisha, no one in this world is a better companion than you for checking out hot docs and I still appreciate the goody bag that let me cleanup for them pretty ones

Tanvi, I remember chewing your ears off about some saga or the other. Who knew, 2 years later, I would be doing the same. This time over khichadi though. You do make the best khichadi ever!

Sneha, thank you for taking my call at 4 am. And even more, for sitting at the hospital with me while they tried to figure out what went wrong

Puneet, you're going to be my fake boyfriend and favorite dance partner for life. Enough said!

Ani: For always being around! Didn’t matter if I was venting, just needed to feel safe, be a drunken mess, or most importantly, needed sushi. Chicago doesn’t absolve you. I’ll be around forever

And Preetha, you were nothing less than a mommy to me. From taking care of my timely medication to helping me go through daily ablutions, you were a rockstar! And I'm glad you've chosen to play that role consistently since then! You truly are my heart!

To the people who visited, I am also very thankful for your friendship. For the fact that you took time out of what really was a busy term, to come spend time with me, hold my hand as I fussed, and help me walk with my IV pole. Okay, maybe not the last one because I'm sure as hell that was more entertaining for you than it was for me.

If you're happy and you know it....

“…But, are you happy?”

It was during one of my daily catch up calls with my mother that she digressed from our standard script. She didn’t want to know what I ate, or what time I woke up and if I did my PT. It was one of those catch ups where my mother abruptly interrupted my tirade of irrelevant details with a simple question.

Thing is, I am a happy person. I, for the longest time, can’t remember not being able to look at a situation and pick something positive up from it to focus on. Even then, through my two years at Michigan, my mother has been the quickest at noticing even the slightest changes in my temperament. Be it stress, ill-health or just happiness, she’s been able to actually show me how I’m feeling, even before I have had a chance to face my own emotions. And so her question hit home, it felt, for the lack of a better word, loaded.

I was ashamed at how much importance I was giving such a simple question. I mean, she is my mother. She wasn’t trying to make me uncomfortable, she was just being my mother. So I did what I always do when stumped, I called up bae. As soon as I said the words, ‘… and then she asked me if I was happy’, her reaction was a simple ‘fuck’. Thing is, I didn’t even realize just how much she dreads the question too. It got me thinking, why were we so scared of accepting to ourselves, that we might indeed be happy? Or are we just unhappy people?

Would it be so bad if I accepted to myself that at this very minute, I am happy? I am finally looking forward and have left my past behind, exactly where it belonged. My two year old nephew’s concept of unbridled happiness was rubbing off on me, and dancing with him to random tunes and being showered with limitless love was showing me that no matter what, I was going to be okay. Life as I knew it, was pretty damn good. But would the fact that tomorrow might not be a day as good as today deter me? The fact that looking for a job 4 months after graduation is stressing me out, in effect make my assertion, that I am happy, a lie?

Truth be told, I don’t think I know how to deal with the dichotomy of my feelings. On one hand, I am more than grateful for friends and family that love and support me unconditionally, on the other, I am forever overwrought with this looming sense of failure. Or I guess what I am not saying is, I don’t know what being happy even means. I don’t know if my momentary happiness is good enough to qualify as me being happy or the fact that these are “moments” and not a stable state of existence, must mean I am unhappy. If I am indeed unhappy, what would make me happy? A kickass job, a stable relationship, a big ass house with a view or a swanky car? After I do have these, what guarantees me an eternal state of happiness? Because whom am I kidding, I know myself and I’m pretty sure I will constantly be seeking “more”. But most importantly, few things scare me more than the idea of being an unhappy person. So, as I continue this journey I believe I am on (and apparently, in control of), I would like to believe that ‘happy’ is my constant state of being, with questionable moments thrown in – exactly how I like my cake: sweet with a bitter chocolate glaze.