Just to say... Thank You

Every once in a while our lives are touched by people who see us not for who and how we are but who we can be. They force us to accept our faults (even if grudgingly so) and tell us how wonderful we can be. They care and they do it without expectations and without worrying about consequences. I've been blessed. I've had someone care for me in ways I didn't think was possible. Suddenly, life seems more wonderful and I've been left overwhelmed.

One of my biggest problems is that I'm not extremely verbally expressive. My words get lost behind my apprehension of losing what I have and more often than not I've never had the chance to simply say, thank you.

This year when I turned 25 some wonderful, wonderful people from my life got together and gave me a night that I will truly remember and cherish for the rest of my life. My reaction did no justice to how I felt so this is a small note for all those who made it happen to express my sincere gratitude and to tell them how deeply indebted I am for how loved they’ve made me feel. I may not say it often, I may not say it at all but I am truly amazed and I love every single one of you dearly

All that’s ex is… painful?

In the past I have expressed views on how my break up was a a perfectly mutual one and how now we are great friends and how we had managed to find that beautiful equilibrium. Bull shit. See, sometimes, its easier said than done. The more time I spent with this person from my past, I realised how comfortable and how easy it was and lesser I wanted to let go of what could be. Like every girl in a situation like this I did what my heart told me to do – I jumped, off the edge, to fall face first and somehow there isn’t a remedy to that except distance. All our comfort and friendship flew out of the window when faced with pain and I did what any one in my situation would, I stopped all interactions. 

It has been a good 3 months since I last spoke to the person who I thought was so important in my life. Do I miss him? Ofcourse, I’d be superhuman if I didnt. We had some good times and everytime I would pass our regular joints, the emptiness of my situation would come back to haunt me. One of the most painful situations for me was to pass his house every single day of the week to get to office, such is luck. On one of my self - pitying days I looked out of the window, longing to remember and wallow in the memory of how great things were when I realised I didn’t remember his place at all. It surprised me. I mustve looked about for 10 minutes with no success, we had crossed the locality and I couldn’t spot his house. This continued for the entire week, with no success. I just couldn’t remember where he lived. Finally, done with that. It was good till it lasted but as of now, kthxbye.

Random rant II

I have always been a patient listener. I think it’s one of the things I have always been proud of. Therefore, I have tonnes of people who approach me for advice or at least just to be a sounding board for them. In most parts, I am happy to do so. I may not always say things they want to hear but I at least tell them what’s actually on my mind. Having said that I am honest, I must confess, I am not brutally honest. Obviously there are times when I have wanted to say stuff like STFU, You are an idiot, Stop whining and move on but believe it or not, I haven’t! Over the years, I have had more conversations like these than I care about and finally, here is a collection of what the conversation was and my true response to them. If you find a conversation you have had with me on this list, well, I guess I should say I’m sorry, but maybe I’m not so sorry after all.

The Damsel in distress: “Oh my god! I love him… but it’s obvious, he’s just playing with my emotions, he doesn’t really care!”

What I hear – I need pity and sympathy and I need it now!

What I want to say – “Yes! He is playing. Yes, he doesn’t care. But you are going to obsess about this guy for the next 100 years (atleast thats how long it feels it is) and are going to keep coming back to me to comfort u. FML”

The Perennial Majnu: “So I finally told this girl on a different continent that I love her and she says she likes me too. I’m so glad”

What I hear – here, take this axe hammer and strike me with it

What I want to say – “oh you are?? That’s great! So what’s happening now? Are you guys going be together? No? Right! Oh well, congratulations then! You have now gone from “I’m – so – miserable – because - I - don’t - know - how – she - feels” to “I’m - so - miserable - because - I - know - how - she - feels - and - we – can’t - be - together”. I’m glad this is working out for you. No, seriously. Happy - fucking – miserable - realisation to you.

The Bewda dost: “Man I am so drunk. And u r so ”

What I hear - you are the only girl around and when I am drunk I am very affectionate. I also will hit on anything that moves because I’m smooth like that.

What I want to say - if I agree, whether or not I believe you, will it stop you from fucking my brains further?

The forever bechara: “… and then she just turned around and said no. I’m so heartbroken”

What I hear – Sympathy! Now! Also, bitch about her please.

What I want to say – she said whatttt?!!? You mean after she cried all day long to you about her ex, then went out on dates with this other guy who you warned her was an asshole, then cried about the second guy to you and made you take her out for expensive dinners and movies, she said she wasn’t interested in you. I totally didn’t see that one coming. Also, grow a pair.

The buddy boy: “You are like one of the guys”

What I hear – You are a boy

What I want to say – you see these pair in front? No I’m not a dude. I may have more balls than half the men you know, but I am not a guy.

The diplomatic bitch: “you’re sweet”

What I hear – I wish the earth would split n gobble u up.

What I want to say – You are really sweet too

The drunken bitch: “you are so cool… I like how you are so bindaas. You have inspired me (all this in a drunken slur).

What I Hear - In my sober state I think you are a slut who is an attention seeker and I hate that you can talk more to the guy I have the hots for than I can. Burn in hell, bitch. I am never going to want be like u.

What I want to say – You can try, par yeh unique piece hai! :D

I wish half of these incidents were made up. But believe me; u can’t make this shit up. No way.

25 things I learnt in Uni

No, this isn’t going to be about how 2 years away from home changed me/ made me a better person/ more focussed person, no, none of that. This is what the classrooms didn’t teach me

1. Dont mix drinks OR drinks and anything that you can smoke.

2. Waking up and feeling like crap is perfectly legit. All those who disagree, try 7 or more shots of vodka.

3. “Is that sound inside or outside my head” is a perfectly acceptable question after a night out.

4. Kebabs are your best friend after a night out.

5. Cereal at any time of the day is a legit meal. Even at 4 pm!

6. Don’t congratulate yourself on your aim, it’s not target practice if you are throwing up in the toilet. Even though it may seem so at that point in time.

7. It is completely possible to sit in front of your laptop the whole day and stream one series after the other. There’s so much to watch, it’s not even a challenge.

8. Putting oil, haldi (turmeric), mirchi (red chilli powder), dhania (coriander powder) and garam masala in anything makes it yum – doesn’t make u a world class chef.

9. It is possible to make an entire meal in the oven – frozen food FTW!

10. Putting lemonade in cheap ass wine does make it drink-able. It doesn’t make it a Cabernet Sauvignon but at least it stops tasting like vinegar.

11. Reading your drunk-texts in the morning will embarrass you. Without an exception.

12. There should be a code or a law against reminding drunk people the next day about what they did or said. Seriously, it’s lame.

13. During exams, cooking, cleaning, scrubbing your bathroom for hours, taking a walk, laundry, checking FB for every single update, chatting, checking ur mails, listening to every annoying person cry about their problems are not methods of procrastination. They are important stress busters.

14. We (Indians) genuinely have no concept of time – being late is our thing. So is being curious and gossiping about everyone else’s life.

15. It is possible to get absolutely wasted before the sun even sets. It is normal to be so before sunrise.

16. As a student, it’s your birth right to pick up stuff on offer. You know the kinds that say 3 for 1, even if it means you just spent 70p more than required. “It was on offer”. Enough said.

17. The window between spotting a person and smiling at them without looking like a creep is VERY small. So is the time frame for ” hug or not to hug” decision.

18. It is perfectly normal to cut out the fungus-ed area from your cheese and use it like it’s as good as new.

19. stalking people on FB is legal

20. never wake up people who have passed out, no matter where they are. NEVER.

21. Everything and anything can be bought at primark. All those who just cringed at this – this is why we didn’t hang out, you snob!

22. It is completely normal to travel from Manchester to any place by bus – even if it takes 2 hrs extra if its cheaper.

23. Indians talk the most abt other Indians. Thats what makes us happy – pointing at fellow Indians and going – shameless retards. Tbh, Indians are the ones that give you most reasons to be embarrassed anyway. :|

24. Never underestimate – 1 a drunk person’s hunger, 2 ability of drunk people to fit in small places and 3 size of a bed – invariably the smallest of them can fit two ppl – try head to toe!

25. The hardest decision you will make is to leave. It sucks. You will get used to it back home but your life will never be the same. People you like, people you don’t, people who like you and people who don’t will all form an important part of who you will be at the end of the year. Appreciate it.

Chapters Less Thumbed...

I guess our past never does leave us. It has this uncanny knack of sneaking up on us, smacking us right in the face when we least expect it, in ways we never thought. Our life is a story book, an amalgamation of chapters we put together - the good, the bad and the very ugly. Just because we choose to skip over a chapter doesn't mean it isn't there. It's there, maybe not as well thumbed as the recent ones, but it's there and every once in a while, our mind revisits these chapters so that we can be thankful for what we had and appreciate what we currently have.

And then there was work...

When I finished my masters I felt on top of this world. I couldn’t wait to step out into the big bad world and start working. I had all my "tools" - specs that made me look cool-ly geeky, formals, Indian clothes to assert the readiness of being a big working girl now and a handbag that fit everything in it – tiffin box, books et al. You get the point.

I think what a fresh graduate needs most is what I didn’t have. What is that you ask? A handbook that tells them how utterly jobless they are going to be for the next 3 months, AT LEAST. When I joined I told my family and friends that I would dedicate my weekends to them if I could get over how tired I was going to be through the week. As luck would have it, my friends didn’t see me through the week, not because I was buried under heaps of work but because I had to travel a minimum of 4 hours every day to get to my work place. I obviously started taking time out for friends and family over the weekend but tired I was. For all those smirking right now - travel 4 hours by a school bus and we'll talk. I swear I kid you not but I’m sure I’m developing a back problem because the bus seats are like brick. And all those who are very excited at the prospect of wearing formals, don’t be. The heels will kill you. So will the ac in office.

Over the last two months in my spanking new office I’ve gotten loads of new stuff - new clothes, new shoes, new pan card, new debit card and god knows how exciting all of it has been but the one new thing I was excited about most, I have got not - work! I very religiously sit in office for my stipulated 8 hours, tapping away at my keyboard, hoping for a new mail to arrive. As it goes, freshers don’t even get spam!

Finally after 2 months into my uselessness which I tried making use of by taking up umpteen trainings, I was called in to meet one of the people I was to work with, to discuss "work". I have always been ridiculously proud of myself on being really dedicated to everything I do, after all, when work is so difficult to come by, you’ve got to make sure you give it your all. So I went and met her with my notepad and pen. As she described what was required of me, I gazed at her incredulously. You are kidding right??? You didn’t just call me for a meeting for this, did you? Clearly, reading my expressions not one of her strong points! Anyway, she painstakingly went through all the steps my "work" would require off me as I stood and listened to her explain. At the end of it, she very sweetly asked me if I understood. Still dazed, I nodded yes. I was sure, even though it had been four months since my academic life, I hadn’t forgotten everything. I got back to my desk and got to work. Man, did I feel responsible. The future of CG lay on my delicate albeit strong shoulders. I mean for all those who think I am being over dramatic you just don’t understand the importance of deleting columns from a table. If you disagree I would like you to come hear her explain each and every step of the process. I mean after all I must have "GRADE 1 IDIOT" written on my forehead for her to be so specific, after all, what other use could the "delete" button possibly have?!

Random Rant Part I

It’s funny how some people can just piss you off. Not because they spoke to you or even did something to you. No sir! It’s because they exist. Most times I have something to say to these people which I don’t end up saying out loud lest people should think I am rude! So here are the general categories of people who piss me off and finally my reply to them-

The couple that has a kissing picture on FB as their profile picture – Awwww! That’s you and your boyfriend! I can see the appeal of displaying yourself swabbing his tonsils on a public forum. I’m sure this is exactly what people had in mind while they sang and danced to ‘Khullam khulla pyaar karenge hum dono’. Kissing on camera is so “hawt”! (yes I hate it when ppl spell hot as hawt or god as gawd! Fuctards!)

The people who see me after years and say, oh, you’ve gained weight – Really?!?!!? No shit man!!! Thanks for bringing it to my notice. You’d think I’d notice considering I’m the one having to fit into my clothes yea?

People with pictures from Kala Ghoda Festival as their profile pictures – you went to KGF because it was free and big news. Not like you understood any of the pictures or installations so stop being a pretentious fuck and take it off. You look fat anyway.

People in office with weird phone habits – Ok so I get it, Falguni Pathak makes your world come alive with colours, snacks and every other gujju stereotype there is, but having her croon every time your phone rings – LAME. In fact anyone with their ring tone as songs and ad jingles is lame. This is your office, your work place, show a little professionalism and at least for these 8 hours let it ring, like a normal phone and not some hand held disco dandiya stall. And I get that it’s an important call but who is stopping you from stepping out to take the call? Next time you scream around my cubicle (especially in your mother tongue) I’m hurling my choicest abuses at you. In hindi.

People who don’t seem to understand the difference between you’re and your and they’re, there and their – Buy a rapidex if you need to but next time you confuse their usage I’m going to start typing offensive innuendos with these words. Also, English nahi aati toh hindi mein baat karo.

The old uncle/ aunty in bldg who suddenly sees me and says, my my, someone needs the gym – my my, someone needs botox!

The people who leave lift doors open – oh no, don’t worry about it. I just added the trudge up 4 floors to my workout today. I totally understand why you missed it, not like our lift door has a recording of a nasal bitch screaming “please close the door” every minute. Oh no wait, it does.

People who seem so affected/ concerned/ surprised by the fact that I’m still single – if I wanted, I could get more action in a day than u get, in a week!

Sleazy old uncles staring in public places – yes, those are my boobs and I’m a girl. I am also probably as old as your daughter/ granddaughter you sick fuck.

And last but not the least,

People whose only purpose in life seems to be nudging me during weddings saying, you are next – yes I may well be, but unless you have tonnes of boys lined up for me, STFU.

Yes, this blog was utterly pointless, probably just a platform to rant on. But it’s my blog and I can, so I will. You can STFU as well.